dragonlugia

I went and saw Disturbed the other night. I suppose it was the second time I've ever mixed with the dark goth and metalhead culture. They are not my people. I have no people.

My biggest gripe is about the idiots in the audience. I started in the front section of the crowd (for the main event, not the random support bands) so obviously I was getting squashed. I didn't mind that so much though, people squash in just enough without overdoing it. But a few squashy rows behind, these stupid guys started deliberately ramming into people. The ripples that went through the crowd were unbearable for someone my size, so I squeezed back into an open area, only do discover it was the centre of the fuckwit ramming party. These guys rammed each other, then rammed straight into me while I was still giving them my shocked and appalled death stare. I don't care how aggressive the music is, it's stupid. Not just because they were practically attacking me, a tiny female (and black belt, although too small to make a dent), but because of the crowd surges they caused. Crowd surges can seriously injure and even kill people. That's not the culture the band supports, they even told the audience that if your "brother or sister" falls beside you, you pick them up. I saw one unconscious guy get dragged out of the crowd squash soon after I moved to the back.

So in the back, I couldn't see anything. If I wanna listen to a band and jump around surrounded by people with the bass flowing through me, I can just get 20 people into my room, dim the lights, turn up my subwoofer and speakers to max. Same bloody effect, apart from all the showing off that live bands do. I didn't get to see any of that showing off. A glimpse of a guitar, a drum kit, sometimes the singer, but I felt rather cheated. Next time I go see a band, I'm getting seats. I don't need to be squashed, I don't need tall guys standing in front of me, or ramming straight into me. I want to be able to see more than the lights playing on the ceiling. The sound quality of live metal music is never as good as on a CD, the volume threatens to ruin almost everything except the heavy beat. So if I'm going to see a band, I want to SEE it.

I suppose I did have fun though. I was pretty into all the dancing around, screaming and throwing devil horns into the air. But people kept interrupting my flow. Just as I was really getting into it, some asshole of a guy would push me aside to get through the crowd, or some chick would put her hands on my arms until I turned around, freaking out, and let her go past me. Then there was the slightly chubby guy who fainted right in front of me, and some chick nearby kept yelling "get the first aid" without ever moving her own ass to do anything. I really didn't care, he wasn't my friend, I hate people, I hate pretending I care and looking concerned, and there was no way a 50kg female like me could help drag him out. I was so glad when some guys who had been near him took him away. No idea if they were friends of his, but I give them points for acting like real men.

The way metalheads dance is funny. Too much emphasis on the "head" part of head banging. There are a lot of half-assed head nodders, then there are the people who go full on taking their whole upper body with their heads. Mostly I stuck to my own random fusion of hiphop and metal dancing. Hiphop is very much about the knees. If you can bend your knees and bop along to the music, you can dance hiphop. I think the way I moved my hands was also very rap-like, from when Eminem was the only aggressive sort of music I had access to. Add in a little bit of head nodding and head banging, jumping, fist pumping, and devil horns, and that's basically my style. Maybe my foot stomping comes from tap too lol. But you'd be hard pressed to find any of my old ballet classes leaking into my current style.

The audience for Disturbed was also disappointingly obvious. Mostly young adult males. Nearly everyone had a black band shirt on, or if they didn't, they had soon bought one to wear at the merchandise stand. I think people were less decorated than when I saw Nightwish, although there were a few fantastically well made mohawks, the occasional pair of bondage style pants and so on. My appearance this time was slightly closer to the stereotype in that I was wearing a lot more black than I did to Nightwish, but I still made my point. Nearly everything I was wearing I had either altered or made from scratch by myself. My pants had holes cut in them and some rings which I'd sewed on. I knitted my top. I knitted my arm warmers. I even made the choker around my neck. Take that, band shirt wearers. Get some creativity of your own, mall goth types.

Enough about me and the crowd, now for the bands. The support bands were all a bit meh. P.O.D. was ok, better than the other two, but there was too much of the "I'm so great" gangster rap attitude for my liking. Really, I didn't get into it until Disturbed came on, that's when I started giving my devil horns for free, rather than only giving when the bands asked. But I also laughed at Disturbed. I couldn't believe it when Draiman addressed the audience as "brothers, sisters, my blood" or something lame like that. Oh it was so corny. I know it makes for a good show, especially for outcasts who want a group to feel at home in, but seriously... That's what makes me laugh at those goths who dress like zombies or vampires, what is this, halloween? Taking themselves too seriously. I mean, I'm an outcast too, I think I'd like somewhere to fit in, but I just can't get all sentimental like that, not even in the dark cult-like ways.

They were a bit predictable in their choice of songs too. Indestructible was coming from a mile away, since it's also the title of their newest CD. Voices, Stupify and Down With the Sickness were all mandatory. And so on. But then there was the little speech about suicide, don't do it. I knew it was coming, Inside the Fire is about Draiman's girlfriend who suicided, it's a big song and a big issue for him. I just really didn't need to hear all that anti-suicide stuff. Great that they're reaching out and opening up such a hushed topic, but for me, exhaustion and suicide topics don't mix well. I've had the craziest of mood swings over the last month, plus a doctor who is officially looking at my skin but unofficially interested in my mental health, and I'm taking St John's Wort. I just wanted them to get on with the song, I was dancing to a non-existent beat while he rambled on. But he had to say that suicide hurts everyone around you. I know that damnit, I'm still here right? I don't need any more reasons to feel trapped or guilty, and I don't need any more reminders about the worst parts of my life which I've been trying to leave behind me.

Bleagh, better move on before I make this into a self-pitying emo rant. Too late lol. Well, I guess I've just reconfirmed the fact that I don't really fit in any culture or sub-culture. I'm just dark, that's it. My own brand. It would be nice to fit somewhere, to know that I was part of something, but there just doesn't seem to be enough people around who I can relate to, talk to, have fun with, whatever. There are plenty of people with dark interests, but they tend to combine them with things I can't stand, like stupid behaviour, sex obsessions, drug/alcoholism/smoking and so on. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places, but chances are I'd have to go out late at night, which I just can't be bothered to do. Why do people with dark minds think that they have to be night people? I like the night too, but only when it's quiet and/or I'm alone.

At the end of the performance, the crowd followed Draiman in shouting "we are Disturbed". I couldn't do it for the same reasons I couldn't bring myself to buy their t-shirts, because I'm opposed to band worship. I could only shout the last one, "we are ALL disturbed" because it sounded less obviously like band worship and slightly more like a statement about our collective state of mind. But I suppose I'm disturbed in a different way to most other people. I didn't feel connected to the crowd. It was a convenient place to hide while I shouted (from my diaphragm apparently, my singing teacher says that's why my voice didn't hurt so much afterwards, woohoo), but apart from that, I was just feeling the music rather than the atmosphere. To be honest, I felt like it was too crowded. I wanted to stay for the music, but I couldn't wait to get away from all those people.

I suppose the one thing Draiman said that I really do agree with is the fact that their music has been a sort of therapy for me. I'm inclined to think that last year when I was really badly depressed, music helped save me. It still does. I feel bad pretty often, but if I listen to some good heavy music, I guess it helps me release some of that tension I get from living in such a dull world. Maybe that's why I'm suddenly so interested in being a musician myself. I wonder how long it will last. Hopefully longer than my interest in art. Perhaps one day I'll be back on a stage, like when I used to dance. I wonder if I'll ever be in a band, or if I'll make all my music myself like Nine Inch Nails. So while I can't stand the scene, Disturbed definitely does some bloody good music. Maybe next time I'll actually get to SEE them.

I didn't blog last month... I'm getting slack on so many things... No that's not entirely true. Last month I got heaps done. I practiced all my music nearly every day, did some painting and stuff. I guess I just feel slack right now. I'm getting tired again. All my energy has been sapped.

Well what happened last month? The Olympics. Great. I love the number 8 too, but the Chinese foolishly put superstition above science and common sense. August was a stupid time to hold the games. I hate superstition, it tries to put meaning in places where there is quite obviously none, not even the vague meanings we as humans decide to assign to things like colours in a painting.

I also turned 20 last month. I did nothing special for it. It's just another number, and it stresses me when so many people I know choose the same day to pop out and say hi before they all vanish again. Maybe it's the social atmosphere getting me down, or maybe I'm just bitter and lonely. Meh. I know I'm supposed to like my birthday (so says society) but really there's no point.

Thinking about why we celebrate birthdays... reminds me of when I was still in therapy last year. I was given a bunch of articles about how happy people live longer. I suppose it was meant to make me want to be happy, but I thought, I'm depressed, I don't want to live longer, duh! Birthdays sometimes feel like that. If I am or have been depressed, it sort of seems silly to celebrate my own existence.

My gosh, I've been alive for 20 years. Feels like forever. I still have 50+ years left, assuming no accident befalls me. What the hell am I gonna do with 50 years of time? I guess when I was at school, I never really put much thought into the fact that I'd eventually graduate. I never did much of my own thing while I was at school either. Now I have to try to figure out what I like doing. I really have no idea. It's a weird feeling.

I've been doing some short courses for the past month. Pottery, karate, guitar and singing classes. They're pretty good. I usually feel better when I come out of class than I do when I go in. I wonder why that is? I can't pinpoint it.

At the moment I'm thinking I might study music. Sucks that I don't yet know enough to pass the audition/interview. My best instrument at the moment is violin, followed by viola. No surprise there, I played them for something like 6 years at school, although I never was keen enough to do very well. I think my teacher was upset when I quit. I've been re-teaching myself for about 3 months now, and I think I've improved, but still not nearly good enough. The problem with violin and viola is they're classical instruments, so people expect you to play them properly and extremely well. My guitar playing sounds better than my violin playing for two reasons: first, guitar has a long history of experimentation and popular acceptance, and second, my electric guitar is a far superior instrument to my $30 eBay violin. My technique and my speed and all my playing comes to me much more naturally on the violin compared to the guitar, but it just doesn't sound that great.

I don't even know if I could stick to playing just one instrument. Like the rest of my interests, I can't ever choose just one thing. I want to do it all, or else nothing. At the moment, the only way I think I can squash violin, viola, guitar, keyboard and singing into anything resembling a neat package would be to study composition... But I don't know much music theory, and I don't know how to turn ideas into sound. I don't even know if I have any ideas for music.

At least music is a bit more technical than art. Anything can be art. Music at least takes some serious thought (unless it's on the radio...). It also retains some artistic creativity. The only other study option I can think of right now is engineering, which supposedly has creativity, but to me that creativity is really just problem solving, not "what should we do" but "how should we do it". I don't know if that makes sense. I mean this: musicians come up with the problem then solve it. Engineers are given the problem. I really don't see how doing what you're told can be artistic, even if it can be creative. I know engineering is what I should have done from the start, but I think it will quite literally bore me to death. I'll be jumping out the library windows in no time, and there isn't an Aibo around that could stop me. I wonder if anyone has tried to program Aibo's to sing and dance in their own little ensemble?

Gosh, I don't know. What am I going to do? Music could just be another one of those brilliant ideas that I slowly but surely get bored with. I suppose I could keep doing art in my own time, but it's so hard to stay motivated. I'm working on a painting at the moment but I just can't get off my lazy ass to finish it. My paintings aren't that fantastic either, my ideas might be good, but my skill sucks, and I use some pretty low quality paints. Maybe I could be a writer, but I can't commit to that either. Poems are easy, stories are much harder.

Haha, here I go, getting stressed out. I've been taking St John's Wort for a month now, I wonder if it's working? I wasn't really depressed when I started taking it, I just thought I'd try to stop myself slipping back again. I've been doing okay so far I think. Okay is a relative term though. Instead of feeling bummed, day after day, I've had some of the craziest mood swings in all my memory. There've been some really BAD days, and some pretty damn good days. I feel like I only have two switches at the moment. One turns on all the good feelings where I get excited about things, the other turns on all the bad feelings. I don't seem to have a dimmer switch to go with them, so it's all a bit extreme. So what happens is, I can feel really bad one moment, really good the next, completely empty, or both gloomy and elated at the same time, depending on what combination of switches is on or off.

I don't think I have bipolar. I know that's what it sounds like, but I don't think I qualify. If I feel good, it doesn't last long enough to count as being abnormal. While I can get impulsive in that state of mind, I'm still pretty damn restrained. People with mania aren't like that, at least as far as I know. I started seeing a new doctor (about my skin lol) who's interested in mental health, and she started to ask bipolar type questions when I mentioned my mood swings, but she seemed unconcerned by my answers and said my swings still sounded pretty reasonable.

Bleh, what an introspective blog. Much as I tried with the Chinese Olympics, I really don't have much of a viewpoint on anything outside my mind at the moment. Not like I used to, blogging about anti-feminism and religion and things. Maybe I'm just getting more and more disconnected from the real world. I wonder if psychology has a name for that? I bet it does, it has a diagnosis for everything, even shopping addiction.

Why do I put my thoughts up here like this? I could just write it all in a diary. Maybe I need it here for someone to stumble on, so I feel a little less irrelevant in this crazy world... Bah, whatever. I wish I could write more about some of the really insane stuff that goes on in my head, but that's probably not a good idea... Heh.

"At last his sole idea of fun
Was sitting snoozling in the sun."
     --Cautionary Verses, Hilaire Belloc

1.Grab the nearest book.
2.Open the book to page 123.
3.Find the fifth sentence.
4.Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5.Don’t search around and look for the “coolest” book you can find. Do what’s actually next to you.

Oh, whoops, I didn't grab the nearest book, just the first one that caught my eye. Let me try again.

Ummm ok... my Japanese text book only has three real sentences on page 123...

Here we go:

"Asari, omoshiroi ohanashishite ageyooka?"

     --from some old Japanese kids magazine next to me. I think she's asking about something, maybe to do something interesting... I have no idea. She looks evil and scheming. Maybe about speaking something??

 
"a(b+c)=(ab)+(ac). Politicize that, bitches."

My Response:

What about the extra importance placed on the 'a'? That's a symbol of racial inequality.

'b' and 'c' were getting on just fine, but then 'a' invades and dominates.

Also, looking just at the a(b+c) part, you can see that 'a' expresses its dominance by capturing 'b' and 'c'

and when expanded to (ab)+(ac), it follows them around everywhere.

No privacy at all, it's government surveillance.

Mathematics is written in a language of symbols, and you think it can't symbolise anything, HUH?

More than 6 billion little humans scurrying around and we're being told to bring more into the world. Are we an insane species or what!? With oil and food crises, we can't afford to keep increasing. We haven't made any decent advancements in space flight, so there's nowhere else for us to go. Here are my cold-blooded suggestions for stopping and reducing population growth.

1. Legalise Euthanasia. Our medicine system is way too good these days, and who really wants to be in pain for the rest of their messed up lives? Sure, the relatives might be upset, but everyone dies eventually and you might as well go painlessly, not struggle for every pathetic breath. We let animals go this way, because it would be cruel to keep them alive. Why is it any different for humans? We're animals too. On top of that, we'd save on resources such as hospital beds for people who might actually recover. People are already sneaking around to get euthanasia drugs, why not legalise it so it can be done properly and with less chance of things going wrong?

2. Reinstate the Death Penalty. So what if the person eventually turns out to be innocent? You've locked them up for 10 years already. Their life has been ruined. What are you gonna do? Let them out and say "sorry"? Plus there are plenty of actual criminals locked up for life. Why make them suffer like that? They're gonna die eventually, so do it now! And then there's the fact that 'justice' is really 'revenge' but with extra rules and the illusion of righteousness. I'm sure relatives of murder victims want to see the culprit hanged or beheaded in a satisfyingly gory show that they'll pretend they thought was horrible.

3. Recognise the Role of Suicide Cults. Humans have a very stupid love for their own race, but if we don't do anything to control our population, we're all going to suffer and die. It's like a suicide cult in itself, this non-action. So why not tell the smaller cults to go ahead? Someone's gotta die, and it might as well be the brainwashed crazies who actually like the idea of meeting the eternal powers or whatever they worship. It's a choice between the planet or the crazies.

4. Celebrate Terrorism. They don't actually succeed in killing that many people, only between a handful and a tower-full at a time, but it makes for a good fire-show. It also leads to war, a human activity designed to reduce the population.

5. Initiate World War Three. Another spectacular option, especially if we get some nuclear action involved. Although that might kill off a tad too many people for any subsequent fun. Machine guns, robots, tanks, missiles... Just like a video game only useful.

6. Social Experimentation. Give everyone a weapon, maybe a gun or bazooka. Remove all consequences, maybe give the alcoholics some alcohol, deprive the druggies of their drugs, and feed hallucinogens to everyone else. See what happens.