dragonlugia

 
"a(b+c)=(ab)+(ac). Politicize that, bitches."

My Response:

What about the extra importance placed on the 'a'? That's a symbol of racial inequality.

'b' and 'c' were getting on just fine, but then 'a' invades and dominates.

Also, looking just at the a(b+c) part, you can see that 'a' expresses its dominance by capturing 'b' and 'c'

and when expanded to (ab)+(ac), it follows them around everywhere.

No privacy at all, it's government surveillance.

Mathematics is written in a language of symbols, and you think it can't symbolise anything, HUH?

More than 6 billion little humans scurrying around and we're being told to bring more into the world. Are we an insane species or what!? With oil and food crises, we can't afford to keep increasing. We haven't made any decent advancements in space flight, so there's nowhere else for us to go. Here are my cold-blooded suggestions for stopping and reducing population growth.

1. Legalise Euthanasia. Our medicine system is way too good these days, and who really wants to be in pain for the rest of their messed up lives? Sure, the relatives might be upset, but everyone dies eventually and you might as well go painlessly, not struggle for every pathetic breath. We let animals go this way, because it would be cruel to keep them alive. Why is it any different for humans? We're animals too. On top of that, we'd save on resources such as hospital beds for people who might actually recover. People are already sneaking around to get euthanasia drugs, why not legalise it so it can be done properly and with less chance of things going wrong?

2. Reinstate the Death Penalty. So what if the person eventually turns out to be innocent? You've locked them up for 10 years already. Their life has been ruined. What are you gonna do? Let them out and say "sorry"? Plus there are plenty of actual criminals locked up for life. Why make them suffer like that? They're gonna die eventually, so do it now! And then there's the fact that 'justice' is really 'revenge' but with extra rules and the illusion of righteousness. I'm sure relatives of murder victims want to see the culprit hanged or beheaded in a satisfyingly gory show that they'll pretend they thought was horrible.

3. Recognise the Role of Suicide Cults. Humans have a very stupid love for their own race, but if we don't do anything to control our population, we're all going to suffer and die. It's like a suicide cult in itself, this non-action. So why not tell the smaller cults to go ahead? Someone's gotta die, and it might as well be the brainwashed crazies who actually like the idea of meeting the eternal powers or whatever they worship. It's a choice between the planet or the crazies.

4. Celebrate Terrorism. They don't actually succeed in killing that many people, only between a handful and a tower-full at a time, but it makes for a good fire-show. It also leads to war, a human activity designed to reduce the population.

5. Initiate World War Three. Another spectacular option, especially if we get some nuclear action involved. Although that might kill off a tad too many people for any subsequent fun. Machine guns, robots, tanks, missiles... Just like a video game only useful.

6. Social Experimentation. Give everyone a weapon, maybe a gun or bazooka. Remove all consequences, maybe give the alcoholics some alcohol, deprive the druggies of their drugs, and feed hallucinogens to everyone else. See what happens.

First something that popped up when I typed "mood swings" into Google:

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/bipolardisorder/howtotell/self-testing.cfm
My Score: 24
Explanation of the score: "22 or more - A score of 22 or more, together with episodes of clinical depression, suggests possible Bipolar I or II Disorder and would warrant detailed clinical assessment."

I doubt I actually have bipolar, but it's just one more thing to make me feel like I'm really crazy. There's a diagnosis for everything.

On the other hand, I have been having some pretty erratic mood swings lately. I noticed them late May or early June, and suspect this is pretty normal for me. But perhaps not entirely normal compared to the average person. My lows are already confirmed as being worse since I've previously had episodes of clinical depression, but are my highs any better? I don't really think so, at least not enough to be called mania.

Leaving the bipolar issue aside, sometimes I really wonder what's going on in my head. In the past 6 weeks or so, I've experienced mood swings that have made me wonder if depression was coming back, then completely reversed so that I've actually felt what I assume is happiness, or something close to it. And then I oscillate between them. Sometimes they're less extreme, or sometimes I have the weird experience of feeling both at the same time.

What's frustrating about the whole thing is when I've been feeling good for a day or two and make plans that I get excited about, then feel shitass the next day and can't continue with it. For example, my holiday timetable. One day I sat down and scheduled my free time thinking I'd do all the things I've been waiting to do since university started. I only managed to keep it up for a week, and by the end I was really annoyed with the whole idea.

A more recent and concerning example relates to my Fine Arts course. I've been doubting it for a while, but I finally decided to give it the flick and goof off to do short courses and whatever else I can think of. Freedom, great! Then when I find the thing I want to do most and mature, I'll go back to university or wherever in order to take it seriously. It was a great idea and I was totally convinced and itching to start trying things. Having explained all this to my parents in a 2500 word essay that took me from about 9pm-1:30am to write, I soon had a mood swing which has left me in my current state of "oh bloody hell, I'm so fucked up, I don't feel like doing anything anymore, there's no point me staying in uni but there's nothing else out there for me, it's all pretty damn hopeless". I've been doing a lot of stuff on auto-pilot, like unstacking dishwashers, and I've also done a lot of sitting around and staring blankly while my mind wanders aimlessly over all the stupid options I seem to have.

I haven't officially quit uni yet, although I've already downloaded and filled out most of the discontinuation form. I'm well aware of the chance that my current state of mind is influencing me into an irrational decision. However, I suppose it's possible that the reason I decided to go to COFA in the first place was because I was in one of my perkier moods at the time. I then lost interest as the novelty wore off and another mood swing took over. These mood swings seem to make it very difficult for me to stick to anything. Is it just that I'm indecisive, or do I have expectations that can't be met, or what?

Well now I'm waiting for another swing to get me out of the mess I'm currently in. I had an up moment this morning, so the full thing can't be too far away. Hell knows what ideas I'll be having next. The different moods do a lot to change the way I think. I could almost describe my mood-states as different characters in a stage production of my life. Perhaps these:

• Despair - the nihilistic, hopeless loser I currently feel like, trying to figure out where I went wrong in my world view and why nothing motivates me.
• Customer Service - me at work on social autopilot, being nice to people and smiling, and dreading the customers with harder job requests or for whom nothing is ever good enough. Usually I can keep my other issues out of my mind when I'm at work, unless something's been seriously bugging me.
• Nice Me - usually when I'm around friends and family, but make an extra effort to be sociable. However if I do go out and socialise, I often feel like shit during or after the event.
• Nasty Me - the mood where September 11 becomes a fantastic work of art and I'm looking forward to a nuclear WWIII. Probably the most fun, although completely unrealistic. This is also when my ego seems to inflate and I work hard to be better than everyone else.

And I can't be bothered to list more at this point. I could splinter my mood swings into smaller and smaller fractions until we're forced to use mathematical limits to make sense of anything. Some of them depend on what situation I'm in, like at work or university. They're less important. The ones which are important are despair and that happier, nastier, violent feeling.

When I feel good, I generally do feel more violent. My interests have long had a leaning towards destruction, so I guess the way I feel is unsurprising when you add energy and confidence into the mix. The problem with this state of mind is that it's so hard to find an outlet for it. That's when I turn to creativity and imagination, and get motivated to do things. It's never quite enough, but as long as I have that feeling, I don't really care too much.

Sometimes the swing back to despair happens because of some event, or because my self-expression has hit a road block and become unbearably trapped inside. Other times it just swings at random. As for the swing away from despair, that seems to be pretty random too. I don't really have any control over it, which increases my frustration. That psychotherapy crap about correcting your thought patterns or whatever just doesn't work for me. Sometimes life sucks and I hate it, other times life sucks and I love watching it kill itself. Same thought, different reaction. How do I control that?

I'm a sceptic when it comes to real Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I have an incredible amount of empathy for that type of character in fiction; characters with split personalities, double lives, and conflicting values, such as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Angel, Dexter, Jack Bauer, and others. I include Bauer as an example because of his conflicting duty towards family and country which he often struggles to reconcile. These characters remind me of a lot of things in my own life, most noticeably my gothic appearance vs my work appearance, but more importantly, my incredibly crazy mood swings. Sometimes those moods really do make me feel like different people, but it's always just me, this inconsistent illusion of consciousness projected by the neural connections of my brain.

I really hate the way I feel when I'm depressed, but I'm also wary of my more carefree state. I always try to be careful that I don't let things escalate too much either way, which is easier said than done. If I wasn't so controlled, I imagine I could be anything from suicidal to psychopathic. In fact, my strong self-control is one of the reasons it's so hard to tell what mood I'm in. Whatever I'm feeling, I tend to present the same front to people around me like an autopilot. It's harder for me to express my mood than it is to hide it. Of course, I can't hide everything. If it's that strong, then it's bound to show, or alternatively I'll go blank and not really connect to what's going on around me.

Bleh, whatever, I'm just waiting for the up-swing. I think it's getting closer, then I'll stop feeling sorry for myself and hopefully get out and do something, or if I stay in, I'll make more use of my time than just sitting around moping. Mood swings are such a pain.

You know the saying, practice makes perfect, yadda yadda. Well it's half bullshit. Yes practice helps a lot, but it's not the only answer.

I used to do violin at school. I was okay at it, but after my teacher made me do viola, I decided to quit. So I haven't had any violin lessons for at least 6 years, hadn't even touched one. A little while ago I bought a cheap violin off eBay, probably made in China, but it works rather nicely. And to my surprise, I can still play. Without practicing for 6 years.

That's kinetic memory for you. It's easier to remember how to do things than it is for you to remember what you study. Even better, I'm smarter now than I was as a kid, so now I can make proper use of my old violin skills. In two weeks of self-teaching, I'm almost certain I can play better than I did when I was at school.

Maybe it's not just the kinetic memory. I remember watching a documentary which found evidence to suggest that just thinking about doing something makes it easier for you to do it. Mental practice is almost as valuable as actual physical practice. My teacher never was able to get me to do vibrato, but now that I know what I should be doing, just thinking about it really does help. When I practice vibrato, I only improve slightly, but when I've gone away then come back later, suddenly I'm much better at it. Without practice. That used to happen to me even as a kid, I was always too lazy to practice often, but when I did I felt I got worse, whereas when I didn't practice, I'd go to my lesson and my teacher would say "you've been practicing, haven't you!!"

Also, other things you do can help improve different skills. It's possible that my attempts to teach myself keyboard and guitar have added to my violin skills. An example from the documentary is about a drummer kid who quits, but learns dancing in the meantime. When they finally get back to drumming, they find their timing has improved, thanks to the dancing. Pretty interesting stuff.

Blah blah blah, that's all I've got. I'm trying to get back into my blogging after much distraction. Unfortunately I currently don't feel that passionate about anything. Except maybe all this World Youth Day, "no annoying the Catholics" bullshit...

Creepy, I was looking up personality and ran into Schizoid Personality Disorder. Like looking in a friggin' mirror! Don't you love that word "disorder"? As if some psych researchers can decide for us poor uneducateds whether we're healthy or disordered! Sure maybe I am mental, but I resent these people declaring that for me.