dragonlugia: Blog

Disturbed Sydney

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 12:22:00 GMT

I went and saw Disturbed the other night. I suppose it was the second time I've ever mixed with the dark goth and metalhead culture. They are not my people. I have no people.

My biggest gripe is about the idiots in the audience. I started in the front section of the crowd (for the main event, not the random support bands) so obviously I was getting squashed. I didn't mind that so much though, people squash in just enough without overdoing it. But a few squashy rows behind, these stupid guys started deliberately ramming into people. The ripples that went through the crowd were unbearable for someone my size, so I squeezed back into an open area, only do discover it was the centre of the fuckwit ramming party. These guys rammed each other, then rammed straight into me while I was still giving them my shocked and appalled death stare. I don't care how aggressive the music is, it's stupid. Not just because they were practically attacking me, a tiny female (and black belt, although too small to make a dent), but because of the crowd surges they caused. Crowd surges can seriously injure and even kill people. That's not the culture the band supports, they even told the audience that if your "brother or sister" falls beside you, you pick them up. I saw one unconscious guy get dragged out of the crowd squash soon after I moved to the back.

So in the back, I couldn't see anything. If I wanna listen to a band and jump around surrounded by people with the bass flowing through me, I can just get 20 people into my room, dim the lights, turn up my subwoofer and speakers to max. Same bloody effect, apart from all the showing off that live bands do. I didn't get to see any of that showing off. A glimpse of a guitar, a drum kit, sometimes the singer, but I felt rather cheated. Next time I go see a band, I'm getting seats. I don't need to be squashed, I don't need tall guys standing in front of me, or ramming straight into me. I want to be able to see more than the lights playing on the ceiling. The sound quality of live metal music is never as good as on a CD, the volume threatens to ruin almost everything except the heavy beat. So if I'm going to see a band, I want to SEE it.

I suppose I did have fun though. I was pretty into all the dancing around, screaming and throwing devil horns into the air. But people kept interrupting my flow. Just as I was really getting into it, some asshole of a guy would push me aside to get through the crowd, or some chick would put her hands on my arms until I turned around, freaking out, and let her go past me. Then there was the slightly chubby guy who fainted right in front of me, and some chick nearby kept yelling "get the first aid" without ever moving her own ass to do anything. I really didn't care, he wasn't my friend, I hate people, I hate pretending I care and looking concerned, and there was no way a 50kg female like me could help drag him out. I was so glad when some guys who had been near him took him away. No idea if they were friends of his, but I give them points for acting like real men.

The way metalheads dance is funny. Too much emphasis on the "head" part of head banging. There are a lot of half-assed head nodders, then there are the people who go full on taking their whole upper body with their heads. Mostly I stuck to my own random fusion of hiphop and metal dancing. Hiphop is very much about the knees. If you can bend your knees and bop along to the music, you can dance hiphop. I think the way I moved my hands was also very rap-like, from when Eminem was the only aggressive sort of music I had access to. Add in a little bit of head nodding and head banging, jumping, fist pumping, and devil horns, and that's basically my style. Maybe my foot stomping comes from tap too lol. But you'd be hard pressed to find any of my old ballet classes leaking into my current style.

The audience for Disturbed was also disappointingly obvious. Mostly young adult males. Nearly everyone had a black band shirt on, or if they didn't, they had soon bought one to wear at the merchandise stand. I think people were less decorated than when I saw Nightwish, although there were a few fantastically well made mohawks, the occasional pair of bondage style pants and so on. My appearance this time was slightly closer to the stereotype in that I was wearing a lot more black than I did to Nightwish, but I still made my point. Nearly everything I was wearing I had either altered or made from scratch by myself. My pants had holes cut in them and some rings which I'd sewed on. I knitted my top. I knitted my arm warmers. I even made the choker around my neck. Take that, band shirt wearers. Get some creativity of your own, mall goth types.

Enough about me and the crowd, now for the bands. The support bands were all a bit meh. P.O.D. was ok, better than the other two, but there was too much of the "I'm so great" gangster rap attitude for my liking. Really, I didn't get into it until Disturbed came on, that's when I started giving my devil horns for free, rather than only giving when the bands asked. But I also laughed at Disturbed. I couldn't believe it when Draiman addressed the audience as "brothers, sisters, my blood" or something lame like that. Oh it was so corny. I know it makes for a good show, especially for outcasts who want a group to feel at home in, but seriously... That's what makes me laugh at those goths who dress like zombies or vampires, what is this, halloween? Taking themselves too seriously. I mean, I'm an outcast too, I think I'd like somewhere to fit in, but I just can't get all sentimental like that, not even in the dark cult-like ways.

They were a bit predictable in their choice of songs too. Indestructible was coming from a mile away, since it's also the title of their newest CD. Voices, Stupify and Down With the Sickness were all mandatory. And so on. But then there was the little speech about suicide, don't do it. I knew it was coming, Inside the Fire is about Draiman's girlfriend who suicided, it's a big song and a big issue for him. I just really didn't need to hear all that anti-suicide stuff. Great that they're reaching out and opening up such a hushed topic, but for me, exhaustion and suicide topics don't mix well. I've had the craziest of mood swings over the last month, plus a doctor who is officially looking at my skin but unofficially interested in my mental health, and I'm taking St John's Wort. I just wanted them to get on with the song, I was dancing to a non-existent beat while he rambled on. But he had to say that suicide hurts everyone around you. I know that damnit, I'm still here right? I don't need any more reasons to feel trapped or guilty, and I don't need any more reminders about the worst parts of my life which I've been trying to leave behind me.

Bleagh, better move on before I make this into a self-pitying emo rant. Too late lol. Well, I guess I've just reconfirmed the fact that I don't really fit in any culture or sub-culture. I'm just dark, that's it. My own brand. It would be nice to fit somewhere, to know that I was part of something, but there just doesn't seem to be enough people around who I can relate to, talk to, have fun with, whatever. There are plenty of people with dark interests, but they tend to combine them with things I can't stand, like stupid behaviour, sex obsessions, drug/alcoholism/smoking and so on. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places, but chances are I'd have to go out late at night, which I just can't be bothered to do. Why do people with dark minds think that they have to be night people? I like the night too, but only when it's quiet and/or I'm alone.

At the end of the performance, the crowd followed Draiman in shouting "we are Disturbed". I couldn't do it for the same reasons I couldn't bring myself to buy their t-shirts, because I'm opposed to band worship. I could only shout the last one, "we are ALL disturbed" because it sounded less obviously like band worship and slightly more like a statement about our collective state of mind. But I suppose I'm disturbed in a different way to most other people. I didn't feel connected to the crowd. It was a convenient place to hide while I shouted (from my diaphragm apparently, my singing teacher says that's why my voice didn't hurt so much afterwards, woohoo), but apart from that, I was just feeling the music rather than the atmosphere. To be honest, I felt like it was too crowded. I wanted to stay for the music, but I couldn't wait to get away from all those people.

I suppose the one thing Draiman said that I really do agree with is the fact that their music has been a sort of therapy for me. I'm inclined to think that last year when I was really badly depressed, music helped save me. It still does. I feel bad pretty often, but if I listen to some good heavy music, I guess it helps me release some of that tension I get from living in such a dull world. Maybe that's why I'm suddenly so interested in being a musician myself. I wonder how long it will last. Hopefully longer than my interest in art. Perhaps one day I'll be back on a stage, like when I used to dance. I wonder if I'll ever be in a band, or if I'll make all my music myself like Nine Inch Nails. So while I can't stand the scene, Disturbed definitely does some bloody good music. Maybe next time I'll actually get to SEE them.

Rambling Catch-up Blog

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 07:50:47 GMT

I didn't blog last month... I'm getting slack on so many things... No that's not entirely true. Last month I got heaps done. I practiced all my music nearly every day, did some painting and stuff. I guess I just feel slack right now. I'm getting tired again. All my energy has been sapped.

Well what happened last month? The Olympics. Great. I love the number 8 too, but the Chinese foolishly put superstition above science and common sense. August was a stupid time to hold the games. I hate superstition, it tries to put meaning in places where there is quite obviously none, not even the vague meanings we as humans decide to assign to things like colours in a painting.

I also turned 20 last month. I did nothing special for it. It's just another number, and it stresses me when so many people I know choose the same day to pop out and say hi before they all vanish again. Maybe it's the social atmosphere getting me down, or maybe I'm just bitter and lonely. Meh. I know I'm supposed to like my birthday (so says society) but really there's no point.

Thinking about why we celebrate birthdays... reminds me of when I was still in therapy last year. I was given a bunch of articles about how happy people live longer. I suppose it was meant to make me want to be happy, but I thought, I'm depressed, I don't want to live longer, duh! Birthdays sometimes feel like that. If I am or have been depressed, it sort of seems silly to celebrate my own existence.

My gosh, I've been alive for 20 years. Feels like forever. I still have 50+ years left, assuming no accident befalls me. What the hell am I gonna do with 50 years of time? I guess when I was at school, I never really put much thought into the fact that I'd eventually graduate. I never did much of my own thing while I was at school either. Now I have to try to figure out what I like doing. I really have no idea. It's a weird feeling.

I've been doing some short courses for the past month. Pottery, karate, guitar and singing classes. They're pretty good. I usually feel better when I come out of class than I do when I go in. I wonder why that is? I can't pinpoint it.

At the moment I'm thinking I might study music. Sucks that I don't yet know enough to pass the audition/interview. My best instrument at the moment is violin, followed by viola. No surprise there, I played them for something like 6 years at school, although I never was keen enough to do very well. I think my teacher was upset when I quit. I've been re-teaching myself for about 3 months now, and I think I've improved, but still not nearly good enough. The problem with violin and viola is they're classical instruments, so people expect you to play them properly and extremely well. My guitar playing sounds better than my violin playing for two reasons: first, guitar has a long history of experimentation and popular acceptance, and second, my electric guitar is a far superior instrument to my $30 eBay violin. My technique and my speed and all my playing comes to me much more naturally on the violin compared to the guitar, but it just doesn't sound that great.

I don't even know if I could stick to playing just one instrument. Like the rest of my interests, I can't ever choose just one thing. I want to do it all, or else nothing. At the moment, the only way I think I can squash violin, viola, guitar, keyboard and singing into anything resembling a neat package would be to study composition... But I don't know much music theory, and I don't know how to turn ideas into sound. I don't even know if I have any ideas for music.

At least music is a bit more technical than art. Anything can be art. Music at least takes some serious thought (unless it's on the radio...). It also retains some artistic creativity. The only other study option I can think of right now is engineering, which supposedly has creativity, but to me that creativity is really just problem solving, not "what should we do" but "how should we do it". I don't know if that makes sense. I mean this: musicians come up with the problem then solve it. Engineers are given the problem. I really don't see how doing what you're told can be artistic, even if it can be creative. I know engineering is what I should have done from the start, but I think it will quite literally bore me to death. I'll be jumping out the library windows in no time, and there isn't an Aibo around that could stop me. I wonder if anyone has tried to program Aibo's to sing and dance in their own little ensemble?

Gosh, I don't know. What am I going to do? Music could just be another one of those brilliant ideas that I slowly but surely get bored with. I suppose I could keep doing art in my own time, but it's so hard to stay motivated. I'm working on a painting at the moment but I just can't get off my lazy ass to finish it. My paintings aren't that fantastic either, my ideas might be good, but my skill sucks, and I use some pretty low quality paints. Maybe I could be a writer, but I can't commit to that either. Poems are easy, stories are much harder.

Haha, here I go, getting stressed out. I've been taking St John's Wort for a month now, I wonder if it's working? I wasn't really depressed when I started taking it, I just thought I'd try to stop myself slipping back again. I've been doing okay so far I think. Okay is a relative term though. Instead of feeling bummed, day after day, I've had some of the craziest mood swings in all my memory. There've been some really BAD days, and some pretty damn good days. I feel like I only have two switches at the moment. One turns on all the good feelings where I get excited about things, the other turns on all the bad feelings. I don't seem to have a dimmer switch to go with them, so it's all a bit extreme. So what happens is, I can feel really bad one moment, really good the next, completely empty, or both gloomy and elated at the same time, depending on what combination of switches is on or off.

I don't think I have bipolar. I know that's what it sounds like, but I don't think I qualify. If I feel good, it doesn't last long enough to count as being abnormal. While I can get impulsive in that state of mind, I'm still pretty damn restrained. People with mania aren't like that, at least as far as I know. I started seeing a new doctor (about my skin lol) who's interested in mental health, and she started to ask bipolar type questions when I mentioned my mood swings, but she seemed unconcerned by my answers and said my swings still sounded pretty reasonable.

Bleh, what an introspective blog. Much as I tried with the Chinese Olympics, I really don't have much of a viewpoint on anything outside my mind at the moment. Not like I used to, blogging about anti-feminism and religion and things. Maybe I'm just getting more and more disconnected from the real world. I wonder if psychology has a name for that? I bet it does, it has a diagnosis for everything, even shopping addiction.

Why do I put my thoughts up here like this? I could just write it all in a diary. Maybe I need it here for someone to stumble on, so I feel a little less irrelevant in this crazy world... Bah, whatever. I wish I could write more about some of the really insane stuff that goes on in my head, but that's probably not a good idea... Heh.

Random Activity

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 15:06:51 GMT

"At last his sole idea of fun
Was sitting snoozling in the sun."
--Cautionary Verses, Hilaire Belloc

1.Grab the nearest book.
2.Open the book to page 123.
3.Find the fifth sentence.
4.Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5.Don’t search around and look for the “coolest” book you can find. Do what’s actually next to you.

Oh, whoops, I didn't grab the nearest book, just the first one that caught my eye. Let me try again.

Ummm ok... my Japanese text book only has three real sentences on page 123...

Here we go:

"Asari, omoshiroi ohanashishite ageyooka?"

--from some old Japanese kids magazine next to me. I think she's asking about something, maybe to do something interesting... I have no idea. She looks evil and scheming. Maybe about speaking something??

Political Mathematics

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 09:14:05 GMT

"a(b+c)=(ab)+(ac). Politicize that, bitches."

My Response:

What about the extra importance placed on the 'a'? That's a symbol of racial inequality.

'b' and 'c' were getting on just fine, but then 'a' invades and dominates.

Also, looking just at the a(b+c) part, you can see that 'a' expresses its dominance by capturing 'b' and 'c'

and when expanded to (ab)+(ac), it follows them around everywhere.

No privacy at all, it's government surveillance.

Mathematics is written in a language of symbols, and you think it can't symbolise anything, HUH?

Overpopulated

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 10:30:35 GMT

More than 6 billion little humans scurrying around and we're being told to bring more into the world. Are we an insane species or what!? With oil and food crises, we can't afford to keep increasing. We haven't made any decent advancements in space flight, so there's nowhere else for us to go. Here are my cold-blooded suggestions for stopping and reducing population growth.

1. Legalise Euthanasia. Our medicine system is way too good these days, and who really wants to be in pain for the rest of their messed up lives? Sure, the relatives might be upset, but everyone dies eventually and you might as well go painlessly, not struggle for every pathetic breath. We let animals go this way, because it would be cruel to keep them alive. Why is it any different for humans? We're animals too. On top of that, we'd save on resources such as hospital beds for people who might actually recover. People are already sneaking around to get euthanasia drugs, why not legalise it so it can be done properly and with less chance of things going wrong?

2. Reinstate the Death Penalty. So what if the person eventually turns out to be innocent? You've locked them up for 10 years already. Their life has been ruined. What are you gonna do? Let them out and say "sorry"? Plus there are plenty of actual criminals locked up for life. Why make them suffer like that? They're gonna die eventually, so do it now! And then there's the fact that 'justice' is really 'revenge' but with extra rules and the illusion of righteousness. I'm sure relatives of murder victims want to see the culprit hanged or beheaded in a satisfyingly gory show that they'll pretend they thought was horrible.

3. Recognise the Role of Suicide Cults. Humans have a very stupid love for their own race, but if we don't do anything to control our population, we're all going to suffer and die. It's like a suicide cult in itself, this non-action. So why not tell the smaller cults to go ahead? Someone's gotta die, and it might as well be the brainwashed crazies who actually like the idea of meeting the eternal powers or whatever they worship. It's a choice between the planet or the crazies.

4. Celebrate Terrorism. They don't actually succeed in killing that many people, only between a handful and a tower-full at a time, but it makes for a good fire-show. It also leads to war, a human activity designed to reduce the population.

5. Initiate World War Three. Another spectacular option, especially if we get some nuclear action involved. Although that might kill off a tad too many people for any subsequent fun. Machine guns, robots, tanks, missiles... Just like a video game only useful.

6. Social Experimentation. Give everyone a weapon, maybe a gun or bazooka. Remove all consequences, maybe give the alcoholics some alcohol, deprive the druggies of their drugs, and feed hallucinogens to everyone else. See what happens.

Mood Swings

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 13:07:42 GMT

First something that popped up when I typed "mood swings" into Google:

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/bipolardisorder/howtotell/self-testing.cfm
My Score: 24
Explanation of the score: "22 or more - A score of 22 or more, together with episodes of clinical depression, suggests possible Bipolar I or II Disorder and would warrant detailed clinical assessment."

I doubt I actually have bipolar, but it's just one more thing to make me feel like I'm really crazy. There's a diagnosis for everything.

On the other hand, I have been having some pretty erratic mood swings lately. I noticed them late May or early June, and suspect this is pretty normal for me. But perhaps not entirely normal compared to the average person. My lows are already confirmed as being worse since I've previously had episodes of clinical depression, but are my highs any better? I don't really think so, at least not enough to be called mania.

Leaving the bipolar issue aside, sometimes I really wonder what's going on in my head. In the past 6 weeks or so, I've experienced mood swings that have made me wonder if depression was coming back, then completely reversed so that I've actually felt what I assume is happiness, or something close to it. And then I oscillate between them. Sometimes they're less extreme, or sometimes I have the weird experience of feeling both at the same time.

What's frustrating about the whole thing is when I've been feeling good for a day or two and make plans that I get excited about, then feel shitass the next day and can't continue with it. For example, my holiday timetable. One day I sat down and scheduled my free time thinking I'd do all the things I've been waiting to do since university started. I only managed to keep it up for a week, and by the end I was really annoyed with the whole idea.

A more recent and concerning example relates to my Fine Arts course. I've been doubting it for a while, but I finally decided to give it the flick and goof off to do short courses and whatever else I can think of. Freedom, great! Then when I find the thing I want to do most and mature, I'll go back to university or wherever in order to take it seriously. It was a great idea and I was totally convinced and itching to start trying things. Having explained all this to my parents in a 2500 word essay that took me from about 9pm-1:30am to write, I soon had a mood swing which has left me in my current state of "oh bloody hell, I'm so fucked up, I don't feel like doing anything anymore, there's no point me staying in uni but there's nothing else out there for me, it's all pretty damn hopeless". I've been doing a lot of stuff on auto-pilot, like unstacking dishwashers, and I've also done a lot of sitting around and staring blankly while my mind wanders aimlessly over all the stupid options I seem to have.

I haven't officially quit uni yet, although I've already downloaded and filled out most of the discontinuation form. I'm well aware of the chance that my current state of mind is influencing me into an irrational decision. However, I suppose it's possible that the reason I decided to go to COFA in the first place was because I was in one of my perkier moods at the time. I then lost interest as the novelty wore off and another mood swing took over. These mood swings seem to make it very difficult for me to stick to anything. Is it just that I'm indecisive, or do I have expectations that can't be met, or what?

Well now I'm waiting for another swing to get me out of the mess I'm currently in. I had an up moment this morning, so the full thing can't be too far away. Hell knows what ideas I'll be having next. The different moods do a lot to change the way I think. I could almost describe my mood-states as different characters in a stage production of my life. Perhaps these:

Despair - the nihilistic, hopeless loser I currently feel like, trying to figure out where I went wrong in my world view and why nothing motivates me.
Customer Service - me at work on social autopilot, being nice to people and smiling, and dreading the customers with harder job requests or for whom nothing is ever good enough. Usually I can keep my other issues out of my mind when I'm at work, unless something's been seriously bugging me.
Nice Me - usually when I'm around friends and family, but make an extra effort to be sociable. However if I do go out and socialise, I often feel like shit during or after the event.
Nasty Me - the mood where September 11 becomes a fantastic work of art and I'm looking forward to a nuclear WWIII. Probably the most fun, although completely unrealistic. This is also when my ego seems to inflate and I work hard to be better than everyone else.

And I can't be bothered to list more at this point. I could splinter my mood swings into smaller and smaller fractions until we're forced to use mathematical limits to make sense of anything. Some of them depend on what situation I'm in, like at work or university. They're less important. The ones which are important are despair and that happier, nastier, violent feeling.

When I feel good, I generally do feel more violent. My interests have long had a leaning towards destruction, so I guess the way I feel is unsurprising when you add energy and confidence into the mix. The problem with this state of mind is that it's so hard to find an outlet for it. That's when I turn to creativity and imagination, and get motivated to do things. It's never quite enough, but as long as I have that feeling, I don't really care too much.

Sometimes the swing back to despair happens because of some event, or because my self-expression has hit a road block and become unbearably trapped inside. Other times it just swings at random. As for the swing away from despair, that seems to be pretty random too. I don't really have any control over it, which increases my frustration. That psychotherapy crap about correcting your thought patterns or whatever just doesn't work for me. Sometimes life sucks and I hate it, other times life sucks and I love watching it kill itself. Same thought, different reaction. How do I control that?

I'm a sceptic when it comes to real Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I have an incredible amount of empathy for that type of character in fiction; characters with split personalities, double lives, and conflicting values, such as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Angel, Dexter, Jack Bauer, and others. I include Bauer as an example because of his conflicting duty towards family and country which he often struggles to reconcile. These characters remind me of a lot of things in my own life, most noticeably my gothic appearance vs my work appearance, but more importantly, my incredibly crazy mood swings. Sometimes those moods really do make me feel like different people, but it's always just me, this inconsistent illusion of consciousness projected by the neural connections of my brain.

I really hate the way I feel when I'm depressed, but I'm also wary of my more carefree state. I always try to be careful that I don't let things escalate too much either way, which is easier said than done. If I wasn't so controlled, I imagine I could be anything from suicidal to psychopathic. In fact, my strong self-control is one of the reasons it's so hard to tell what mood I'm in. Whatever I'm feeling, I tend to present the same front to people around me like an autopilot. It's harder for me to express my mood than it is to hide it. Of course, I can't hide everything. If it's that strong, then it's bound to show, or alternatively I'll go blank and not really connect to what's going on around me.

Bleh, whatever, I'm just waiting for the up-swing. I think it's getting closer, then I'll stop feeling sorry for myself and hopefully get out and do something, or if I stay in, I'll make more use of my time than just sitting around moping. Mood swings are such a pain.

Kinetic Memory

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:08:09 GMT

You know the saying, practice makes perfect, yadda yadda. Well it's half bullshit. Yes practice helps a lot, but it's not the only answer.

I used to do violin at school. I was okay at it, but after my teacher made me do viola, I decided to quit. So I haven't had any violin lessons for at least 6 years, hadn't even touched one. A little while ago I bought a cheap violin off eBay, probably made in China, but it works rather nicely. And to my surprise, I can still play. Without practicing for 6 years.

That's kinetic memory for you. It's easier to remember how to do things than it is for you to remember what you study. Even better, I'm smarter now than I was as a kid, so now I can make proper use of my old violin skills. In two weeks of self-teaching, I'm almost certain I can play better than I did when I was at school.

Maybe it's not just the kinetic memory. I remember watching a documentary which found evidence to suggest that just thinking about doing something makes it easier for you to do it. Mental practice is almost as valuable as actual physical practice. My teacher never was able to get me to do vibrato, but now that I know what I should be doing, just thinking about it really does help. When I practice vibrato, I only improve slightly, but when I've gone away then come back later, suddenly I'm much better at it. Without practice. That used to happen to me even as a kid, I was always too lazy to practice often, but when I did I felt I got worse, whereas when I didn't practice, I'd go to my lesson and my teacher would say "you've been practicing, haven't you!!"

Also, other things you do can help improve different skills. It's possible that my attempts to teach myself keyboard and guitar have added to my violin skills. An example from the documentary is about a drummer kid who quits, but learns dancing in the meantime. When they finally get back to drumming, they find their timing has improved, thanks to the dancing. Pretty interesting stuff.

Blah blah blah, that's all I've got. I'm trying to get back into my blogging after much distraction. Unfortunately I currently don't feel that passionate about anything. Except maybe all this World Youth Day, "no annoying the Catholics" bullshit...

Me, Schizoid?

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 03:50:46 GMT

Creepy, I was looking up personality and ran into Schizoid Personality Disorder. Like looking in a friggin' mirror! Don't you love that word "disorder"? As if some psych researchers can decide for us poor uneducateds whether we're healthy or disordered! Sure maybe I am mental, but I resent these people declaring that for me.

Bill Henson, Pah!

Tue, 27 May 2008 13:02:50 GMT

So they've finally reacted to his photos. It's about time. When I was studying photography in school, they showed us some of his photos but understandably kept to his shots of clouds. I loved those cloud photos. But then I found out he was actually more interested in adolescent kids, and that threw me off.

Well, now he's been caught out. As you can tell, I'm against him. And I don't give a crap about the morality or the artistic merits of his work. I just hate sex art.

I hate the way artists justify a lot of their work. It's like fundamentalist-extremist religion. They think that calling something art gives them the excuse to do whatever they want. Photographing underage naked kids for example, an act which would be called child pornography in anyone else's hands. My sculpture teacher also told the class about some "fantastic" work where some woman made a messy room with used tampons strewn all through it. YOU CALL THAT CRAP A WORK OF ART!?

Artists have this silly idea that art should be independent, that nothing should be excluded from the possibility of becoming art. I agree; artists, like everyone else, should be able to do whatever they want, BUT they should be prepared to face the consequences just like everyone else does! There is nothing to stop any of us from breaking the law. But if we do, we have to accept punishment from the community. Why should artists be exempt? They're just as human as every thief, fraudster, rapist, and mass murderer.

I suppose those were moral and artistic arguments to some extent after all. I don't really care that much for them, just thought I'd mention those points. Well now to my real objection: it's sex art! And that's just stupid!

Obviously as an asexual, I'm just anti-sex in general. It's such an annoyingly human thing, and particularly in modern culture, it's absolutely everywhere. How boring! And then to go and make "art" out of it. *Yawn!* If Henson is charged over his images, then hopefully the art community will stop making these stupid works.

Blah, I'm really too tired to remember my other arguments. If there were any. I just don't like Henson's sex art. I don't like any sex art. They don't even look cool. I was going to say that Henson, at least, didn't do the stupid used tampon thing, but on the documentary I just watched I was unfortunate enough to be reminded of the girl with menstrual blood image. Could you get any sillier than that?

Ohhh but his work is all about the loss of innocence and other bullshit to do with life, is it? Are you kidding me? He photographs kids going through puberty because that's when they're becoming sex creatures. That's what he means by loss of innocence, and growing up. I hate that. If you must make a point about loss of innocence, the only way you'll get me interested is if it is about losing faith in the world, and completely separate from any sexual ideas. And yet, few people take that line (if they do, please let me know). I suppose perverts are more likely to make the sex version of innocence art because all the potential loss of faith artists probably have depression and all suicide before they get anything done. Or just can't motivate themselves to produce it.

Well then, Mr Henson, the newspapers all say you're distressed by the recent reports and raids. Why not give up your sex art and instead express your own loss of faith in society? Your dark style of photography would fit perfectly. After so many years of praise, now come the attacks. There's still time to change.

Gray

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 12:05:28 GMT

Recently I've been calling myself 'Gray'. Amongst other things, it's a bit of a social experiment. At uni, some people have picked it up like there was nothing weird going on. Other people who manage to learn my real name still insist on calling me 'Mariko' and all the mispronunciations that go with it. I've tried explaining my reasons to them, but as usual, speech is too dishonest and inaccurate for me. So today I'll write in a potentially long-winded blog why the hell I'm calling myself 'Gray'.

First off, "Mariko" means "clever silk child". Once, that might've been an accurate description of me. But now: I've abandoned my academics, I have no qualities like silk, and my happy childhood days have gone. The only other meaning that the name "Mariko" has for me, is that I used it for my online alter ego from 2001-2006. In 2007, I finally wrote a backstory for her that convinced me I had lost my connection with my closest character. The Destroyer element became the result of misunderstandings rather than innate evil, and the character became very much a repressed and abused clever silk child. Bleagh, so damn sappy.

Then, there are all the meanings associated with the word "Gray". Here's a list I threw together:

City materials, eg.
- granite
- concrete
No clear morality,
Not black or white
Dusk
Sociology:
- mediocrity
- background noise of society
Religion
- ashes
- mourning
- repentance
Aging
"Grey matter",
intellectual
Dull,
Boring
At parties:
Someone who goes unnoticed
Pessimism
Uncertainty
Dark
Gloomy
Wolf

The significance? God, just use your imagination. It'll take forever for me to spell each out. So I'll just comment on a few.

City materials -> inhuman, harsh, uncaring, disconnected. People are shoved together so closely, yet emotionally so far apart. We sit next to strangers on the bus without ever bothering to find out who they are. We acknowledge the existence of others then move on and forget about their individualities. It's bloody fantastic!

Black vs white -> Jekyll and Hyde, practically a blueprint for my mind and it took me 19 years before I read and realised it. As Mariko, I controlled and still do control myself to near unbearable excess. It's necessary to do so in order to survive in this society. As Gray, I still only gain such a tiny amount of freedom. How can black be black once tainted by white? Yet Gray does give me some freedom to express the more maddening aspects of my caged personality.

Religion (mourning) -> My life was better before I became an atheist. Atheism sucks. It makes the world so damn boring.

The rest are pretty easy to figure out, assuming you have half a decent brain.

And I was going to say something about my past and present double lives, but it's getting late. I may be catching a cold.

Music MySpace

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 06:48:44 GMT

I now have a MySpace for my 'band' called "destroyerdragon".

http://www.myspace.com/destroyerdragon

Enjoy my terrible tunes and destruction of music as an art form. Paha!

Women and Feminism

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 00:55:17 GMT

Tomorrow is International Women's Day. Should I be celebrating? Sure, early feminism achieved great things for women, but it's like modern feminists won't be happy until they rule humanity. What about an International Men's Day? Only a few countries bother with it, and it has no consistent date. If it's so important to recognise women, then it should be equally important to recognise men. This is why I hate feminism: it puts too much focus on females, and the best evidence for this is the ideology's very name. "Feminism" does not mean equal rights for men and women, it means women women women. That's just stupid.

As a female, most of society tells me I should be grateful for the freedom I am granted, and yeah, I suppose this is better than being gang raped, abused, or tortured under claims of witchcraft. I can vote, work, and theoretically do everything a man can, except where religious traditions get in the way. Great. I have everything I need, don't I?

Apparently not. Men are still more highly paid than women, and at COFA I saw a poster claiming that male students are exhibiting more works than females, even though there are a lot more women than men there. The "womyn" seem to think this is evidence that women are still being repressed. But when you think about it, a lot of mothers actually prefer to stay home and look after the kids, while the poor father does all the hard work to support the family. Men have to be hard working. Isn't it then possible that men are more likely to succeed, and thus earn more money or put on more exhibitions? The fact that women still appear disadvantaged despite all their progress could indicate that primitive people were right to think that on average, females are the weaker sex.

Feminists will think such a statement is a form of blasphemy. But it's like calling black people "blacks". Why should they be offended if it's true? So if females are weaker, should they be offended by someone pointing out the truth? I must also point out that being weaker does not mean you have to be repressed. After all, people with disabilities are weaker than the able bodied population, but that does not stop a one-legged man from becoming a skiing champion.

Feminists are in denial, they go so far as to think they are superior to men. All they end up doing is wasting energy trying to convince everyone they're better, while in fact they just prove what men have thought all along. In the past, women were restricted because it was thought they'd go out and be promiscuous, dress like whores, and generally become out of control. Well, now it's the 3rd Millennium and all you have to do is look at today's female teenagers. They're exactly what men feared all along.

So much of feminism has lead to stupid concepts of female power. Chicks think that they can use their sexuality to get whatever they want out of men. That's ridiculous, all they're doing is submitting in a different way. Then when it backfires, they get raped if they picked a dickhead of a guy.

And why do women insist on wearing makeup? If they need to look good to impress, why don't men use makeup too? This is why I never wear makeup to work, and only wear my crazy makeup when I intend to annoy people. And the other thing is, if a man does wear makeup, he's instantly labelled as gay. He's also gay if he wears a coloured shirt or suit, or has interests that are traditionally feminine. Men are now the ones having restrictions imposed on them. Women can wear pants but men can't wear skirts without the glare of public judgement. Where's the fairness or equality in that?

Society has changed, so that now a woman can go to work while her husband stays home to look after the kids. But there are also single fathers out there with no immediate support. What about mother's groups? "Mother's" groups! And where the hell are the men meant to go? What about the "womyn's room" at COFA? Most of COFA is female anyway, why should they need their own room in order to exclude the minority gender on campus?

As for this crap word, "womyn". What the hell is that? "Womyn"? It looks and sounds lame. To me it just says feminists are ironically admitting that "men" is the dominant part of the word "women". They have to make up their own word to escape male dominance? What idiots! That goes to an absurd symbolic extreme, regardless of whether or not they considered that "men" was missing the "wo".

In Japan, women can work, even if they end up with unimportant jobs like making the boss some tea. When they get married, they usually quit their jobs to become stay-at-home wives and mothers. Japanese feminists have been lobbying to change this, fighting to let women work even after marriage. What they fail to mention is that the men are working insanely long hours. Many leave for work before dawn and return home after sunset. It's a bloody tough life. There is an anti-feminist group among Japanese women who lobby against the feminists. After all, who'd want to work the same hours as men if they can stay at home and do the easier housework? Feminists need to take a step back and look at what they're really fighting for. Women have their equality. All they're fighting for now is a greater burden. Women are oppressing themselves now.

And thus I run out of steam. Happy Womyn's Day for tomorrow, fools.

Homeopathy, Glorified Sugar Pills

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 00:19:40 GMT

I've started taking homeopathy pills even though I know they do nothing. The reason is because I can't swallow pills but I'm trying to learn. Tictacs are too yummy to waste on swallowing, so why not lameass homeopathy tablets?

Basically, homeopathy makes harmless practise pills!

Well anyway, the reason for all this is my crazy day on Tuesday. [Warning: long-winded story initiated.] I was in so much pain with cramps, and I threw up and eventually left work. I bet you wanted to know that lol. But apparently I hyperventilated on my way home, since my hands went tingly numb and my vision went dark and yellow... I thought I might actually faint for the first time in my life. But no, I managed to get on the bus and get off at the right stop. But that's as far as I got.

The old woman who sat next to me on the bus must've thought I was on drugs or something, the way I was wiggling. She moved as soon as another chair freed up. Anyway, once I got off, it was all too much and I crouched in this spot nearby just waiting for things to ease up enough so I could move. Luckily this lady with her kid stopped to help. She went to get her car. Meanwhile another lady with a baby stopped to ask if I was okay and I also rang Dad (hi there if you're reading lol) and while I was on the phone I threw up some more. Good thing there's been so much rain, hehehe.

So yeah, the lady who came back with her car drove me home. She was really nice, and even gave me her phone number for if I needed any more help and to let her know how I was doing. I was glad for the help, coz I really couldn't have walked home in the state I was in, and Dad was still a few minutes too far away.

Yup, so things started to get better once I hopped into bed and started breathing normally. And seeing the doctor is how I found out about hyperventilation, and my low blood pressure. He also suggested I get a blood test just in case, and told me about some pills that could help with the sort of pain I was in. But alas, I can't swallow.

So! The way I see it, things got out of control because I couldn't swallow a pill to get rid of the pain fast enough. The soluble stuff was gross since there's no cordial at work lol. Therefore, for $9 I'm using bogus remedies to train myself to be less mental and just take the damn pills. Things would be so much easier if I could just do it. The pain killers, and maybe some St. Johns Wort or whatever it is next time I feel down.

And that's my story.

Shrine of Vanity

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 09:48:44 GMT

I now have me a Shrine of Vanity. See all my unartistic photos on Facebook. Me me me me me!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1069044673

The Gothic/Metal Scene

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:11:40 GMT

On Friday I went and saw Nightwish at The Enmore. It was my first real experience of the gothic/metal 'scene'.

It was pretty fun. Nightwish are great performers, and kinda cute. I love how foreigners get so excited about the "Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi" thing. Pehehe, I did lots of jumping and clapping and hollering and that crazy devil horns sign. Knocked my glasses off at one point LOL. So it was great! Although it was hard to hear some of the music with the volume up so loud; excessive noise seems to distort the quality of sound. And my other sadness is that they couldn't do the show someplace like the Opera House with a full on orchestra. Now THAT would be fucking AWESOME.

And the support band was a bit meh. Too loud and too repetitive mostly. The guy had a pretty good voice but I wasn't overly excited.

So now to the people in the 'scene'.

As you can imagine, most were goths or metalheads. Lots of black, band shirts, spikes, fishnets, makeup, dyed hair, piercings, boots, your basic stereotypes. Everyone from your lazy "I wanna advertise my fave bands on my T-shirt" dudes to supergoths with mohawks. Before the doors were opened, all these people were standing in a HUGE line that probably scared away most of the locals. Joining that queue was funny as. I got to walk past them and their stares while dressed in boots, white fishnets, black miniskirt, makeup AND my blue M&Ms T-shirt. Those goths were so damn confused! Pahahahaha!

So, as suspected, a lot of goths are rather disappointing in terms of fashion, going with the safe stereotypes. Claiming individuality, but upon seeing someone as insane as me, they become like your average mainstreamer and stare. Of course, I love the attention, it's so damn amusing. But it's like these people have never had it occur to them that they could do something a little different. Then again, they might've been admiring my style... But I think that's wishful thinking, giving too much credit to them and ignoring their undeniable human nature.

But cheers to the guy who saw me emerge from the bathrooms and said, "HEY! It's an M&M girl!!!" lol. I guess there are still some out there who can appreciate a bit of randomness. Apart from that, all I got was confused staring. Blatant confused staring. Muahahaha!

And now I'm too lazy to talk about the kissing couple, the boring dude in front of me who just stood there passively the whole time, the people who sat down and moped between the support band and Nightwish, the people who danced noisily behind me during the support act but disappeared for Nightwish, the drinks spilt on the floor, the people in the crowd texting, people trying to take crappy photos on their phones, and all that nonsense.

Moo.

Vampire Weaknesses 2

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 11:41:32 GMT

I've noticed recently that a lot of the hits on my blog come from people looking up 'vampire weaknesses'. I was shocked to see that there are so few actual entries on the topic. They've all been looking at my entry about people who believe they really are vampires, so they've only been getting the 'real life' side of the story. But now, just to try and relieve the disappointment of anyone looking up fictional weaknesses, here's my take on all the rest.

Most of my exposure to fictional vampires is from Buffy/Angel. Bottom of the hierarchy of demons, being the most humanlike, they have plenty of weaknesses and die so easily... Except for Angel, who in the Buffyverse must really be as strong as his reputation suggests. They can be 'dusted' by:

beheading
wooden stake to the heart (or any other wooden object)
fire
long exposure to sunlight

They also burn when in contact with holy water and crosses, but I was never sure if it could kill them. If you left a vampire in a pool of holy water for long enough, I reckon it would eventually burn away to nothing, so maybe that can kill them to. Other weaknesses include:

cannot enter a human's home without invitation
no reflection (if the vamp was vain, that might be an issue)
long periods without blood can affect higher brain functions and cause general weakness

Other fictional sources make vampires much harder to kill. Some involve complex rituals to make sure the creature really is dead and will not rise again. Ever. There are a lot, and writers tend to pick and choose which combination they want. So here are as many as pop into my head.

Sunlight weakens some vampires, rather than burning or killing them. They may not be able to use their 'powers', or they may feel the need to drink blood much earlier than usual.
Silver stakes or silver bullets sometimes work on them.
Garlic can act as a vampire repellant.
Some vampires have an obsession with counting, so throwing grains of rice in its path may be enough to slow it down.
Drowning could kill some vampires, even an ordinary river by the sounds of things.
Many vamps must return to their coffins before dawn. Sometimes they must be in their native soil or have that soil brought with them. On Moonlight, it appears that vampires like to sleep in fridges (perhaps slowing down the loss of blood).
Some cannot walk upon consecrated ground or cross running water.
Vampires can be detected by their lack of reflection, cold body temperature, lack of heartbeat, and sometimes lack of shadow.
Going too long without blood, the vampire might die but would more likely turn savage and become out of control.
Assuming the reason vampires fear the sun is because of UV light, some stories use UV bullets to kill them.
In moonlight, stakes merely paralyse the vampire.

And so on. So many weaknesses to pick from... A lot of them are heaped onto wikipedia, although less dot-pointy. Meh, whatever your interest in vampire weaknesses is, I hope I've helped. Note that these are fictional. You want the real deal, I complained about it all in that one I linked to at the start of this entry. Much as I like death, don't go stabbing the deluded people who think they're vamps. You'll just get locked up, and what good is that? But if you're here coz you wanna write vampire fiction, why not be creative and make up your own weaknesses, rather than picking from the ones I got here?

Anyway, Angel/Angelus is my favourite fictional vampire...

Interpretive Dance Battle

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 11:49:57 GMT

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Interpretive dance battle! Anyone game enough to challenge me? Mehehehe! I have perfectly weird music if someone has a big CD player or something, and we'll hang out around Town Hall freaking the norms! Muahahahaha! Until the batteries die! Woohoo! Then we'll continue on to the sound of traffic! Bring a crazy costume!

P.S. If you are looking at this entry from my front page, best to open it up so the stupid image isn't cut off anymore. Know what I mean, kiddies?

Thinking

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 11:17:21 GMT

Have you ever noticed how things just happen? No matter how much you were dreading it, or how excited you were waiting for it, it happens and then it is gone and you move on to some other thing. Weird.

Maybe I'm just too detached from everything... Me spending the last few months doing nothing, hiding out in the shrinking world I live in. My dark little room...

Who am I then? Identity means nothing unless there are other people to identify you in the first place. Who is anyone without the judgmental glare of another human upon them?

And then, people disappear. Who will remember you when you die? One in six billion. It was easier in the ancient days, when there were less people. The Egyptians had the right idea, preserving their names for an eternity...

But even memory is such a tiny thing... Remnants of the past clinging on to existence. We are made from our memories, but memories fade and so do we.

Life is such a brief and meaningless event in time. Existence is strange. We live and die and everything just keeps moving. The universe doesn't care whether we kill eachother in our wars, the suns just keep turning. Life is insignificant.

Sometimes I wonder. The world is an illusion. Everything is an illusion. We think we are 'alive', but really we're just an arrangement of atoms... Atoms acting in such a way to give us 'thought'.

It's a funny feeling, watching people so involved in life. I'll never understand it. How people act with such urgency, as if they matter. Nothing matters. There is no 'meaning'.

Bleh... People people everywhere...

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 07:26:25 GMT

Yay, Christmas *rolls eyes*. It was more fun when I was into all that materialistic crap. And when I didn't have the money to get it all. I have plenty of cash now but I don't want anything. Well, unless the laws of the universe change. In that case, the very least I'd ask for is to be able to fly on my own power...

Isn't Christmas strange? It's not even that religious anymore. Sure, Christians celebrate it as the birth of Jesus. But it's a random date chosen to replace a pagan festival... And isn't the death of Christ more important than his birth? Why doesn't anyone make as big a fuss at Easter time? Though by the sounds of things, commercial vampires are gonna milk the chocolate eggs for all they're worth, and maybe set up some other scheming 'tradition' from which they can make money. Maybe they'll even switch trains and start promoting the holidays of other religions. You could make spending sprees out of so many different sacred celebrations...

The other crazy thing is, here in Australia there have been a bunch of interest rate rises. They're designed to put financial pressure on people so they don't overspend. But, hello credit card, hello unnecessary presents, hello poorly planned debt! Don't people worry about that sort of thing? Yet they still swarm shopping centres with their reckless consumerism. Most of the things they buy will likely be crap anyway, or some gimmick that quickly becomes boring.

Ooh and Christmas movies, with their feel-good believe-in-the-magic crap. Shoot me now.

Christmas lights are a waste too. Some are bloody fantastic, but most just consume stupid amounts of electricity. There was a good letter in the paper written by a kid who pointed out that Santa wouldn't be too happy to see his North Pole melt thanks to global warming - and all the silly humans who contribute to it in such thoughtless ways.

Ugh. I can't wait till all this madness is over for another year. I really don't have that whole 'Christmas spirit' thing going on. And why should I? It's just as pointless as everything else in life. People are plain crazy. Pehe, I've been so disconnected this year that I was surprised when people started saying their Christmas greetings around me. It feels awkward for me to say it back because to me it means nothing. Bleh.

Boredom

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 05:16:01 GMT

Well what a surprise, I'm bored. I have plenty to do, so why don't I do it? Because I feel unmotivated. Why do I feel unmotivated? Because I spend too much time thinking! About the world and about me.

So:

Thinking -> Lack of motivation -> Boredom.

I decided too google myself a cure for boredom, and there are plenty of websites offering just that. But I wasn't looking for videos and games and odd stories. It seemed hopeless until I noticed a website with the humourous tag-line: If you’re not drilling for oil, why are you boring? Quite rightly, the website points out that the real source of my boredom is myself.

Usually I complain about how boring the world is. I wish it were more like my imagination. So on a day like today, I get caught up in that way of thinking, plunging me deeper into the depressing spiral of boredom and nihilism that characterises my darker moments. Mmm... Dark... Seriously though, it's a bad thing. My life expectancy is more than 80 years, and feeling crap about it now is just a recipe for an empty existence of misery.

What I like about this website I found is that it steers clear of lazy cures like the video websites, and especially avoids self-destructive 'cures' such as drugs. It's just an article making a good point about boredom, and providing suggestions that are actually sensible. Extra points to it, because I read the whole thing without falling asleep.

The best suggestion it gives is to just do something. Instead of idly watching scum grow, write a poem about it. Anything with even a tiny element of challenge... Something to fill the void that boredom lives in.

So what am I doing to fix the boredom now? Well writing this obviously. But afterwards? Perhaps I will write a poem about... sitting on my ass all day doing nothing. On a side note, when I was really depressed a few months ago I wrote poems and thoughts and things, only to find that by the time I reached the end of my writing I'd gotten over whatever it was that had started me off.

So:

Something to do -> Less time to think -> Not bored.

Now my only problem is that lack of motivation. That's a feeling that causes a lot of problems. When it comes, the only real cure is willpower. But what if I don't have the motivation to use my willpower to overcome my lack of motivation? Clearly it means I didn't have the willpower to overcome my lack of motivation in the first place. Right? It's chicken and egg logic, but somehow I've got to get away from it.

And so on.

Art

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 11:13:23 GMT

I now have a page on deviantART: http://destroyerdragon.deviantart.com/

I will be putting some of my work up there, if anyone is interested.

Yesterday I went to the COFA Annual Graduate Exhibition. COFA is the College of Fine Arts at the University of New South Wales. Just in case you didn't know... Anyway, I'm hoping to go there next year. Selection is based on UAI so I should be way better than fine, but what I'm more worried about is whether I'll enjoy it and last the whole year this time.

A lot of the work at COFA said nothing to me. Contemporary art often annoys me, even though some of my own work is probably very much the same. But there were also a lot of really interesting artworks on display. It's hard to explain them in writing like this, so I won't bother.

Well I've decided to try harder and keep going with my art. I'm putting restrictions on my own computer usage in an effort to get me away from this damn screen and back in front of the canvas, or knitting needles, or anything more productive than this. Let's see how I go!

Satanism and Black Magic

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 02:06:03 GMT

I've been reading a book about "the world's most evil cults", the first section of which covers "Satan in the Sixties". And I gotta say, satanists really are sickos. I'm not talking about symbollic satanists or people just into the imagery and so on. I mean real satanists and black magicians who worship evil for evil's sake.

It was actually quite disappointing to read about these people. Like serial killers, most of them are just sex maniacs. How boring, and plain disgusting. The worst of them also prance around nude, sacrifice small animals in the dead of night, take drugs, and occasionally abuse some dumb victim they managed to trick into their midst. It just seems so stupid to me. They're nothing but a bunch of perverts with no self control.

The suprising thing was that the organisation known as "The Church of Satan" actually seemed very civilised compared to the descriptions of the smaller cult groups. The Church of Satan falls into my category of symbollic satanists. Their black masses are harmless. Sure, they may use naked women as the altar, but it's just a symbol that theirs is a religion of the flesh, not the divine. They hurl curses upon people, but don't actually abuse anyone. And their lifestyle is just one of selfishness, like pretty much every other human on the planet only these guys make a point of trying not to be hypocrites.

Real satanists and black magicians do try to hurt people. They keep tight circles of secrecy, threatening punishments to members who should dare stray once initiated. It's dangerous to the members who join without knowing what they're getting themselves into, and it's dangerous to victims who may find themselves at the heart of the perverted rituals.

As an asexual, I'm probably more likely to be disgusted by the whole thing. But what I've noticed reading this cult book and the murderer book is that the worst of humanity centres around sex. People lose control over it, fight for it, kill for it, combine the whole thing with drugs and run around under the name of an evil religion as if that somehow makes them more legitimate. No wonder people tried to be so strict in the old days.

On the other hand, I have no problem with Wiccans and their 'white magic'. Theirs truly is an ancient religion, whereas satanism is very much post-Christian. Satan was only thought to be evil once Christianity reinterpreted his role as 'the accuser', and many satanists heavily feature Christian symbols as a form of mockery. I'm sure there are many other black magic sects who don't use such symbols and they stink too, but satanists in particular hold no credibility in my eyes. Wiccans are much more sensible, controlled, and respectable people, even though like other religions I still think they're loony.

I think my only protests about Wicca are the commercialisation of their practices and the fact that it inevitably attracts the perverted who go on to change from white magic to black magic. I hold great respect for any white witch who makes their own supplies as Wiccans once must have done. I hold great disdain for those who get into witchcraft for all the wrong reasons, seeking to manipulate the world for their own ends, and inevitably sinking into black magic for the purpose of self-gratification.

So obviously now, I hold much more suspicion against satanism as a whole. I'm much more interested in the symbollic and imagery-based elements of the left-hand path, but the fact that such disgusting cults exist is enough to make me especially cautious in the future. It's sad, because the darkness holds some truly inspiring themes such as rejection, despair and redemption. But these sick people come along, claim Satan and Evil as their masters, and try to completely soil and spoil the potential of the dark.

Some people should just be shot.

Vampire weaknesses, and a sidenote about self-expression...

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 02:48:19 GMT

Been thinking about the vampire subculture again. What strikes me is that it's all about having weaknesses. The real vampires, as opposed to lifestylers and blood fetishists, have beliefs that are so demoralizing. Whether they're sanguinarians or psi, they seem to think they're leaking life force, and can't replenish their own supplies. Um... Yay?

And as for the donors, whatever their reasons, they're just as nutty. In the case of blood donors, they're mad just because it's blood sharing, such a dangerous activity in so many ways. And the psi donors are mad because life force is just silly, all these people are doing is acting, anything they may feel is all in their heads. Both types are also guilty of encouraging the vamps that claim to need them.

Internet sources for vampires seem to suggest that a fair amount also have problems like depression. If you have depression, of course you're gonna feel drained! That does NOT mean you're leaking life force. Vampires think that feeding makes them feel good. In reality it's probably just an addiction they develop, and they feel good because they so badly wanted to when they first 'awakened' and got into the whole thing.

But back to the point, because crazy people are interesting. It doesn't matter how silly it all is, what I'm complaining about today is the weakness obsession. The more sensible people who want to be vampires are probably into the imagery, the glamour of romantic stories, or the powers vampires are said to have. I can understand that. But the people who think they are vampires are embracing a culture that combines human weaknesses with vampire weaknesses and I just can't understand that.

Apart from leaking life force, many vampires claim to be light sensitive. They also don't like citrus. Many have mental problems like depression, as already mentioned. They tend to be nocturnal, which is especially limiting to the ones still studying. Some experience intense cravings and either become extremely weak, or experience 'the beast'. 'The beast' is just their fancy name for a loss of self-control and an obsession for blood.

The 'upside' is that supposedly some vampires have heightened senses. The silliest of these is night vision, because if you spend as much time in the dark as a vamp does, your eyes are obviously going to adjust, duh. As for hearing and smelling, anyone who pays enough attention is bound to improve as well. Then there's the ability to sense other vampires and those who need awakening. Yay. Now we can have a loony party.

Why be a vampire? It doesn't make sense to me. Of course, I've never met anyone claiming to be one, but if I do I'll be very interested in their opinion. There aren't many around, but the internet suggests that there are enough world wide for there to be some attraction in the big mess. As for me, I don't believe in all this madness. And I know I said similar negative things about goth, but there is no way I'd be a vampire. Ugh. No way would I admit to those silly weaknesses! Ha!

And a note about goth... It's a convenient label, but the problem with it is that it depends on the person. I just don't feel like a goth right now. Investigating the whole thing has helped me express myself better, but I really haven't experienced the culture. If I get the chance, I'll give it a go, sure. I just don't think I'll really fit anyway. The reason I committed myself to trying goth was to use it as a stepping stone to express myself as a dragon (not in the otherkin sense, more as a symbol). I think that's still my goal. Goth really is just temporary for me.

Also on the topic of self-expression, I finally wrote out the whole history of my main RPG character. She was created in 2001, constantly evolving through all the stories we came up with. It's only now that I've worked out her final back-story. So if anyone's interested in reading it, drop me an email or something. It's probably the best picture you'll ever get of what goes on in this head of mine.

MySpace

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:59:58 GMT

I have a MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/dragonlugia

...

Yay?

I still like this Space better though, it's easier to use. MySpace has a profile editor that keeps messing up, and since I'm too lazy to use html and so on, I just gave up. As for what I'll use MySpace for... maybe I'll just put up some of my poems or something. *shrug*

GodHatesGoths.com

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 23:52:16 GMT

What a relief! If www.religioustolerance.org is right, then godhatesgoths.com is just a dumb parody. Still, there's not much really reliable info about it, not even on wikipedia (shock! horror!) so we'll just have to cross our fingers on this one.

Heres the section from http://www.religioustolerance.org/goth.htm

-------------

Anti-Goth parody web site:

Please do not read the next six paragraphs unless you
have a strong stomach, are slow to anger, and are over 18.

GodHatesGoths.com is apparently a lampoon web site written from an exaggerated fundamentalist Christian point of view. They present themselves as the official website of an apparently non-existent organization "Parents Against Goth" headed by a fictional character, Rev. R. G. Green. He writes: "I hope you will find much comfort in the message of hope and inspiration our website offers."

He quotes the Hebrew Scriptures (Old Testament) and its list of crimes for which the penalty is death: Witchcraft, Satanism, Divination, spell casting, acting as a medium, rebellion against one's parents, blasphemy, worshiping Gods other than Yahweh, disrespecting a member of the clergy. He implies that these prohibitions and their punishment by execution are still valid today.

He interprets the Bible as condemning to Hell all Buddhists, Goths, Hindus, Jews, Satanists, Wiccans, as well as children who die young or individuals who are challenged mentally. Aborted fetuses will also "burn in Hell."

They conclude:

"GOD ALSO DETESTS RETARDS. DOWN SYNDROME, CEREBAL [sic] PALSY, THALIDOMIDES [sic], DWARFISM, SPINA BIFIDA, AND OTHER CREATURES SPASTIC RETARDATIONS ARE REPULSIVE TO GOD. THE BIBLE STATES QUITE CLEARLY THAT THESE TWISTED LIMBLESS MONSTERS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ANYWHERE NEAR A CHURCH, AS THEY ARE UNCLEAN AND REPULSIVE TO GOD. THEY ARE AN ABOMINATION. THEY HAVE MINDS OF SUCH A REPROBATE NATURE THAT THEY ARE GIVEN TO SEXUALLY GRATIFYING THEMSELVES IN PUBLIC, AND ARE NOTHING MORE THAN SLOBBERING STAMMERING ANIMALS. WHY SHOULD THEY GET THE BEST CARE? GET GRANTS TO BUILD RAMPS FOR THEM? WHEELCHAIRS? PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT? IF GOD DID NOT INTEND THEM TO WALK, LET THEM CRAWL LIKE THE SNAKES THEY ARE."

"GOTHS ARE PROUD OF THEIR SIN, PROUD TO PARADE AROUND LIKE SICK HALLOWEEN FREAK-SHOWS, PROUD TO DEGRADE THEIR BODIES WITH TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS, PROUD TO ENGAGE IN FILTHY SEXUAL PERVERSIONS, AND IN THAT PRIDEFUL STATE THEY CANNOT REPENT - YOU CANNOT REPENT OF SOMETHING YOU'RE PROUD OF. PRIDE IS ONE OF THE 7 ABOMINABLE SINS WHICH ARE HATED BY GOD."

"THE GOTHS' ONLY HOPE IS TO HAVE THE UNAMBIGUOUS TRUTH PREACHED TO THEM, AND PERHAPS GOD WILL SOFTEN THEIR HEARTS AND GRANT THEM REPENTANCE TO DEPART FROM THEIR SIN AND NAME THE NAME OF CHRIST. NOT VERY LIKELY, THOUGH, SINCE GOD HAS GIVEN UP ON THEM. HE HAS ABANDONED THEM. HE SHALL MOCK THEM WHEN THEY SUFFER, AND LAUGH AT THEIR DEMISE. WHEN A GOTH DIES, GOD LAUGHS."

God Hates Goths

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 08:55:02 GMT

www.godhatesgoths.com

I may write more about this later, but for now...

This is what I wanted to write on his guest book, except that it was too long to be accepted. Enjoy.

_____________

It must be nice to be so utterly convinced of your superiority. Despite all the hate in your heart, I'm sure you love your life because you think you'll go to heaven. I know you're a fundamentalist who believes in a firey hell, but modern interpretation says that hell is the absence of god, and since god doesn't exist, we are all already in hell. So yes, our world is in decay. And you are a prime example of that decay.

You'll ignore me for sure, or in the off chance you reply, I know it will only be to attack me. For that reason, I am glad I am in a different country on this spherical planet. Not even the television show '24' features torture as bad as that which you suggest should be used. And your sadistic attitude truly is sickening.

Other people who have written to you have brought this up, but hell, the hate you attempt to spread through this website is inspiring. So I shall do some name calling. You woman bashing, child abuse advocate. You hate Jews and blacks, yet claim you are against the Nazis. You're a real comedian. If anyone is a stereotypical satanic goth, it is you. And let me get this straight, you're so anti-abortion that you'd rather let 'retards' be born so you can pick on them. Make up your mind. Otherwise, go find a less contradictory religious text to live by.

Anyway, as all the horrified 'guests' here have made clear, you are sorely mistaken about goth culture. I hope this website is all just a joke, but I'm guessing it isn't. You're just another reason for me to turn to the darkness. Who wants a light that is as cruel as yours?

All that said, I don't want to sound like a hater. I like crazy people like you. Otherwise the world would be even more boring than it already is. But Tom Cruise is still at the top of my list for nutters. You only count as a mild amusement.

By the way, you're so convinced that witchcraft exists. What happened to the idea of an all-powerful god? You're admitting that witches have power and confirming the beliefs of wiccans everywhere. Witchcraft is nothing, just a waste of time for people who practise it. It's just a game that at best can give someone confidence, that's all. Stop being such a scaredy cat!

Well, I hope someone gets you some help. Or better, cripples you so you learn what it feels like to be 'hated' by your 'god'. This was a morbidly amusing website to read, but in the end, it's just plain sad. I bother to write this only because you did such a fantastic job displaying your insanity. Few people have that skill.

Enjoy your life while it lasts. Because this is all you've got.