dragonlugia

Hello, this is Sanguinarian Interview #2, and since the last one was so frantic and rushed, I’m going to try really hard to do this one better.

This one is from KaiyaShadow, who at the time of the interview was 17, but she’s since turned 18 so before this video I did a quick follow-up to see how things were going. I assume she’s female, though it now occurs to me that I’ve never actually checked, so sorry if I’m mixed up..!

Awakening:

Kaiya awakened when she was about 12 or 13 years old. She had never really been interested in vampires before, not even the fictional kind, but she started feeling cravings for blood. She says it seemed really random at the time, with no obvious trigger. It would come and go, and was strong enough that it didn’t seem to be a passing phase.

Not sure what to do, Kaiya went on the internet and started writing about what she was feeling on some message board. She says it was probably Neopets lol. Someone who saw her posts sent her a link to a website about vampirism. This was the first website Kaiya had looked at claiming to be about real vampires. Reading the information, she felt it described exactly who she was, without a doubt.

It’s interesting to me how vampire culture is spread so easily through the internet. I wonder how many self-proclaimed vampires there were before, or how many people had symptoms in the past without knowing what to call themselves. I also join scientists in speculating as to whether vampirism can be explained by other medical conditions, although in Kaiya’s case there just seems to be blood-craving and nothing that looks like anaemia or anything else.

Sang vs Psi:

Kaiya knows she’s sang and not psi because she can’t see auras or work energy etc. She was a sceptic about the whole psychic thing for a long time, until a friend of hers claimed to be able to work healing energy. This friend told her to relax, and then sent her some energy. Kaiya says she felt something, like being charged up. It was late at night and she’d been tired, but suddenly she felt like she could “run a marathon and a half”. She imagines it could have just been the power of suggestion, but that event pretty much crushed her scepticism towards the psychic. Getting back to the point though, Kaiya states that the energy had to be given to her – she couldn’t just take it the way psyvamps do. She also says that this story shows how all vampires need that same sort of energy, just that psyvamps have a different method to get it. She wonders whether this friend of hers could have been a donor, giving energy like that, or whether her blood cravings would have pushed her in a different direction anyway.

I personally think the whole energy working thing is just suggestion. I don’t believe in the psychic. I’m more inclined to believe that sanguinarianism might be genuine, since there’s clear evidence that blood is real. I just think that the “energy in blood” idea is bullshit. Whatever the explanation for sanguinarianism, it’s not that blood has “life force” or “chi” in it.

Donors:

At the time of the interview, Kaiya, still 17, had never had a blood donor before. This is because in the sanguinarian community, few will even talk to a minor, which I think is quite sensible. In my follow up of Kaiya, she says she has met other vampires but still doesn’t have a donor. She has fed though, from a sang friend who saw that she needed it. It gave her such a buzz that she danced for more than four hours straight at a club and was awake until 9am the next morning.

It’s good that the vampire community is so careful about minors. I suppose it’s mostly a legal issue, similar to how they make sure that only the donors make the cut. The really good thing though, is that it keeps out the kids who are just following stupid fads like Twilight. If a teen makes it to adulthood and still insists they’re a vampire, then good for them, but probably most get bored. The rule about minors is a bit like a filter.

Life as a Vampire:

Asked about whether awakening has changed her life at all, Kaiya says there’s not much, except those mildly embarrassing moments where her blood cravings make her do something a bit silly. For example, a guy got a cut in a class, and she found herself following him all the way to the nurses office, wondering whether or not she should ask him... And then whenever she gets a cut, she’ll lick it up and go on her way, even though some people give her weird stares.

I really don’t see why people feel weird about licking their own cuts. It’s been proven that some animals have chemicals in their saliva which actually accelerate the healing process. Even if humans don’t have that, licking can help clean dirt out of the wound. It seems perfectly natural to me, and on the rare occasions I get a cut, I lick it too.

Keeping a Secret:

Kaiya has not told anyone in her pre-vamp life about what she is. The only people who know are those she met first online before meeting in person. She says it doesn’t make sense to tell those who are close to her, since she doesn’t have a donor. To her, it feels like she’s saying that she’s decided to become a Christian, but doesn’t have a Bible and can’t go to church yet. I love that analogy. There was one friend she wanted to tell, who might have become a possible donor, but Kaiya wasn’t sure. The whole “vampire radar” thing doesn’t work for her. Also, just to clarify, the friend who did energy working on her didn’t know about Kaiya’s vampirism.

I think it’s a good idea for minors not to say too much about vampirism. Depending on the people around you, it can get you into trouble – anything from a mild “weirdo” label up to screeching parents forcing you into psychotherapy, grounding you for a year, and removing your internet access. Once you reach the age of majority, you should probably still be careful, but you don’t have to worry so much about people trying to control your life because they think they know better than you.

Vampire Powers:

Kaiya does not claim heightened senses, nor is she nocturnal. She thinks that the illusion of heightened senses may be part of the adrenaline rush that comes after feeding. She speculates that the brain just gets the boost it needs to process information more quickly and accurately, at least while it lasts. However she also says that since they’re only “slight” enhancements, they aren’t really that special. Any regular person could experience a similar thing given the proper stimulus.

I totally agree with Kaiya on the issue of vampire powers. All vampires are still humans. There is no single distinguishing feature except for the feeding practices of vampires. Some vampires report symptoms whilst others don’t. If vamps were somehow superior to everyone else, then they’d all be Olympians and we’d have to watch all the races at night.

So that’s the end of the interview. Thanks to KaiyaShadow for that.

Something I’ve noticed while talking to vampires is that sanguinarians seem to be a lot more realistic than psyvamps. I think, as I mentioned before, it’s because blood is definitely real, whereas psychic phenomena is not backed by any concrete proof.

I also just want to bring up some ideas about why sangs are what they are, since I don’t believe the “life force” explanation. My main idea is that sanguinarianism is a mental addiction – an obsession that drives them in everything they do. But if there is a physical explanation, it could be other medical conditions such as anaemia, as scientists have suggested, or perhaps there is something addictive about blood. It’s unlikely, but I’ve been thinking about how we put down animals that have attacked humans. We often say it’s because they’ve “had a taste of human blood”. I wonder whether that’s just a figure of speech, or if there’s anything more that can be read into it. But until someone shows me some good solid evidence, I’m sticking to the mental addiction theory.

Thanks for your time. If anyone’s looking for more information on vampirism, Sanguinarius.org is a good place to start. I’ll also give you a link to a transcript of this video, and a link to KaiyaShadow’s channel.

One last note though. If you don’t believe in vampirism, I don’t care. Vampires are real in the sense that people call themselves that. They’re not claiming to be the fictional kind. If you can’t tolerate vampirism as a lifestyle, think of it as a religion. Christians expect respect for their beliefs even if they can’t prove that Jesus exists. So do the same for vampires. If you’re a “slayer” nut-job, check yourself into a mental hospital before you do something stupid and end up on murder charges.

Goodnight.

I didn't have time to mention, "sanguinarian" vampires are the ones who drink blood, as opposed to "psychic" vampires.

It’s taken forever for me to get around to this, but now that I’m on holiday and bored, I finally have the time. Lol, “time”. I only just managed to get this under the 11 minute limit, so it’s probably hard to understand anything I say in the video. I tripped over easy words like “goth” and sometimes rearranged their order and mispronounced and blah blah ‘twas a mess. Here’s the transcript then! That ought to help! Haha :)

Oh yeah, in a break from my usual vampire interview style, I’ve left most of Hatter’s comments intact, rather than summarising the whole thing. The way she wrote to me felt more like she wanted to talk to everyone, rather than just providing me with flat information. That’s probably why this interview is so out of control, because I didn’t place things in neat little categories.

Anyway, enjoy. Please be tolerant, people on both sides of the argument.

For more information on vampires, try Sanguinarius:
http://www.sanguinarius.org/

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*Note: My comments are written in italics.

Interviewee: “Hatter”

1. How and when did your awakening take place?

When my awakening happened, I had no idea it did. I was eleven, and I had no idea what in the world a sanguinarian even was. I was having a glitter fight, yes a glitter fight, with my cousin and my friend. The glitter was in these little glass bottles. My cousin, brilliant till the end, thought it would be a good idea to throw one of the bottles. Well, my friend got cut. Unlike some awakened vampires, I had common sense, even as a child. I ran my hand over the cut, and the blood covered my fingers.

No, I didn't shove my fingers in my mouth and moan about how good it was. I waited, I waited till the pair went inside. Out of a mix of morbid curiosity and my own instinct I decided to taste her blood, I loved it.

However, I didn't find the word for Sanguinarian till a year ago. I had some odd illness where I was always dizzy. The doctors said it was an imbalanced equilibrium, but that didn't explain much. Also, the first thing they thought was that I was anaemic but I'm not. This is a common mistake doctors make with sangs.

I agree that “imbalanced equilibrium” sounds like a load of nothing. Anyway, I just want to mention that dizziness can be from low blood pressure, which I myself have. Sometimes if I stand too quickly, my vision goes dark and my head feels funny, although I’ve never fainted. Drinking a lot can help with low blood pressure, which might explain the “thirst” of some sanguinarians who could be misinterpreting it for blood cravings. Also, anaemia is quite possibly the cause of some sanguinarians’ need for blood, although I personally don’t know how much iron you can get from drinking another’s blood.

Scientific explanations for sanguinarianism are possible, but at present there’s not much to go on, and it still seems more likely that most younger vampires are just in it to try to be cool. Also, if there’s any scientific basis behind sanguinarianism, the vampires affected by the condition are likely to be worse off because of the exaggerating influence of pop culture. Medical causes which could be treated in other methods may have been misinterpreted by vampires as a need for blood.

2. Why sanguinarian and not psychic?

Why? Well, I LOVE salt and vinegar chips(They say that sangs have sensitive palates. I've developed one too, but good god, I love sour things). But I utterly hate white chocolate. I don't know why, I just do. I know I'm not a psy vampire, I've been able to see ghosts from a young age according to my mother. However, I don't suck energy from people. It's not who I am, it's not what I do.
No, I cut people open and drink their blood. You know, because that's completely more sane.

I actually agree that cutting people open and drinking their blood IS more sane. Blood is real, whereas ghosts and psychic energy probably aren’t. Also a side note, I don’t know why Hatter mentions taste in answering why she’s sang not psi. Lol, yay to randomness!

3. How do you go about finding donors and what method do you use to feed from them?

My rule with donors is, if I can't see myself having sex with them I can't see myself feeding off of them. I’m bisexual, so this doesn't limit me to one gender. The people I take blood from, are usually the people I'm dating. When I'm desperate, I take from my friends. I avoid taking from overweight people, their blood has the consistency of syrup, it's much thicker. I take from a few underweight people, but not from anyone dangerously skinny.

As for getting blood, I am the proud owner of a hot pink pocket knife! I give my knife(which I ALWAYS sterilize after use) and ask them to cut themselves open. I usually can't even watch this part. Partly because I'm much too excited about it (even when writing about it) and also because I feel like I'm making them do something wrong. Yes, even if the donor is willing I feel guilty each and every time. After that, I suck the blood from the cut. I take small amounts at a time.

Also, people who eat fruit sweeten their blood. I know, it's odd. However, it's true. I noticed that those who eat fruits in large quantities tend to taste sweeter.

Well, asexual that I am, I can understand the logic of only accepting donors you’d have sex with. Blood sharing can be dangerous, and you can get similar diseases to those you might get during unprotected sex. I’ll add a note here that if you are a sang looking for a donor, make sure potential candidates have had their blood screened. It’s still pretty damn crazy to go ahead with it, but if you must, try to be safe. Also never cut them yourself, if things go bad, you could be up for assault charges

As for the taste of blood... Well isn’t that interesting. It’s possible that some of the taste is just mental, but it also makes sense. What you feed a cow can affect its taste, so the same is probably true of humans. Yeah, we’re all cows, just with too many emotional problems. Anyway...

4. Apart from feeding, have there been any changes in your life since your awakening?

Changes? Well, when I first began to feed I found that I had side effects. I had sensitivity to light, I had to wear sunglasses outside a couple of months. I've noticed winter sun hurts my eyes more than the summer sun. I have no idea why. I also used to have a really high body temperature. My friends used to use my hands to warm their faces when they were cold. Now, I'm very cold. Oddly, I'm aware of it unlike most vampires seem to be. I find myself shivering often in my class room, I dislike cold. How ironic.

There's also the cravings, I have those every now and then. I often find myself trying to pretend I'm not a sanguinarian. However, you don't just wake up one day and say: "Hey! I'm not a sanguinarian anymore!" It doesn't work like that. I'll be sitting at home and a movie will come on, or someone will mention something, or I'll see the mentioning of a vampire on the internet, and then the whole reality of the situation hits me again.

Hatter’s sun problems are very confusing. I have no explanation for why the winter sun would be harsher than the summer. Also no idea about the change in body temperature, I’m not a doctor lol. The only possibility that comes to mind is puberty, and all the hormonal changes that brings.

As for cravings, I think it’s quite possible that blood can be addictive, both mentally and physically. Dogs who’ve attacked humans are put down because they’ve “had a taste of blood”. I wonder now if that implies addiction. Also, humans have the glamour of the vampire image, which can mentally reinforce the craving. That’s what happens to me with my “Destroyer” aspect I suppose. I have the idea in my mind, it makes me feel good, but if I watch the right thing on TV it can just trigger it all that much more. Without the culture, these ideas we all have might mean very little, and it might not occur to us to interpret them so wildly.

5. How many people in your life know what you are, and how did they first react?

How many people? A few. Mostly friends who went to my old school. One got upset one day and tried to expose me, luckily, no one believed her.
You see, I dress Goth. No one in their right mind will believe you if you say that the token Goth chick of the school is a vampire. If I could call myself anything, it would be a perky Goth. I feel that vampires discriminate against me as normal people do. "Oh look, the Goth girl. She's only in this because she's some half witted vampire wannabe." This isn't true. In fact, I DESPERATELY wanted to be a werewolf. Oh, you don't even understand how badly I wanted to be one. No, I got stuck with the cold blooded counterpart.

I should point out to those who don’t know, that not all vampires dress like Goths. Most try to keep a low profile, so they dress like every other average person. That’s probably why Hatter is criticised by other vamps, because they mistakenly think she might just be in it for the image.
6. Vampires are humans who simply need a different form of energy, but is there anything else that you think distinguishes a vampire from the rest of humanity? For example, do you believe vampires have heightened senses or a natural nocturnal body clock?

I'm a vampire and even I believe that's a load. I agree with what you say. If you spend time awake at night, you’re going to become nocturnal. What happens when you spend time in the dark? You can see well in it. It's simple cause and effect logic.
Although, I will say I'm a bit more primal at times. Out of anger I once made a girl go blind in one eye with the use of a ball point pen. I didn't mean to but, well, she was a bitch and she deserved it. I'm not going to make excuses for myself. When I'm acting more "primal" I am stronger. Then again, that's because when I'm in that state I don't hold back like I usually do.

I'm also hungrier during my period. It's probably because knowing I'm bleeding makes me hungry, as gross as that sounds. I also have a stronger smell for blood, because I'm constantly looking for it.

I'm charismatic. Which is what lots of people say is a vampire quality. I brighten a room, I make people laugh. Others say I'm naturally fun to be around. I even charm those who are older than me.

I've also been told a number of times how attractive I am. I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me vain. I'm very vain. Though, if the people around me tell me I'm beautiful (tee hee) who am I to disagree? It also helps with getting donors, because who could say no to this cute little face. Granted, that makes me a bit manipulative.

Hatter poked a chick’s eye out!? Holy fuck! A while back, I couldn’t stop imagining doing just that, but never went that far lol. Anyway, since I agree that vampires don’t really have any special powers, I haven’t got much to say. So moving on, this next section is a bit of a fun rant from Hatter, and I think I’ll just read without commenting.

7. How do you mean you're not a "conventional" vampire?

I'm not conventional because I don't believe much of the physical perks I get. I get bad side effects, though not as bad as most. This is because I have a higher amount of melanin in my skin then most vampires.

I'm over ten different nationalities. Most of these are white European countries; I have reason to believe Caucasians are more affected by this than other races. However, I was lucky enough to have skin the same colour as the coffee I drink with a high tolerance for sunlight. I also have very dark eyes. So dark, people often think they're black. I imagine more melanin and being a full blown mutt gives me the upper hand as opposed to someone who's predominantly white and has fair skin with blond hair and blue eyes.

Unlike vampires who try to avoid the sun, I make it a point to go out in it. If I hide, I'm going to get worse.

"I'm going to kick that sun's ass today."

It’s what I think almost every time I know I'm going outside. Because I've made it a point to stay out and build up my immunities, I've gotten more sun resistant skin. Granted, even if I'm not doing much of anything I get terribly exhausted. Still, I'm striving to make myself better and get past the liabilities instead of sitting in my room and blogging about how terrible things are for me.

Maybe some sanguinarians will disagree with me. Maybe some won't. Maybe some will accuse me of being a fake, it's happened before. However, I'm an individual. I'm not going to do what all the other vampires are doing because it's the normal vampire behaviour. No, I'm going to try to go about my life like the semi-normal human I am. I refuse to let being a sanguinarian prevent me from playing with my baby sister in the sand or holding a silly string fight out in the park with my friends.

As a vampire, I sometimes get nasty hate messages from sceptics. I don't get it. If I'm being tolerant of your beliefs, can't you be tolerant of mine? I urge others to at least try and understand us, we really are harmless. Vampires are no more dangerous to you then another human. You have a better chance of getting harmed by a human than a sanguinarian. Also, for any vampires watching: don't let your weaknesses control you. Get past them. Isn't that what life is all about? Don't put your old life on the back burner because you're "too weak" to do anything. Go out, make yourself strong.

Thank you very much Mariko for letting me write this letter. I'm sorry for the many misspellings which I know must be there and the overall hugeness of this letter. I’m still relatively new to this, but if you have any more questions for me, feel free to ask me. Also, if anyone has a question for me, I'll feel free to answer them too.(I don't know how that works out, considering I'm hiding my identity. But, we'll find a way)

Since Hatter is hiding her identity, I suppose if anyone has a question for her, it’ll have to go through me.

Here are some more random notes from another message Hatter sent later, which I will paraphrase. Basically, Hatter views blood as an addictive substance. She has some theories, but importantly, none of them involve life force although she does seem to believe in the soul. She’s sceptical of psyvamps, suggesting somehow that their energy sucking is a form of hypnosis. Her alternative theory is that some wanted to be like sanguinarians but couldn’t stomach the idea of drinking blood, so they joined the psyvamp camp because it was easier. She recognises that there are many “fake” vampires out there, although she says she hates fake bisexuals more. Weird. Anyway, given that other vampires aren’t always accepting of her individuality, Hatter also notices that some vampires can be quite elitist, wanting to feel special in their unimportant lives. Oh, and something Hatter forgot earlier is that since awakening, she seems to have a bad stomach. She can’t really eat much of certain foods, although she tries anyway.

I’m currently operating with the theory that I’m low on iron. It’s always nice to have an explanation, isn’t it? Well, I hope it’s right, because alternative explanations could be rather unpleasant.

Over the last few days I’ve been feeling increasingly tense and frustrated. And since yesterday I’ve added tiredness, irritability, dizziness, and mild depressive symptoms to the list. It was the dizziness which hinted to me that I might be low on iron. I do have a low blood pressure, but it usually doesn’t bother me that much.

Anyway, most of these feelings are fine and I can deal with them. My only worry is the mild depression trying to settle in. I’m glad I thought of the iron because my previous theory was Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), since I was depressed during both winters of 2007 and 2008. I was contemplating having to sit in the sun for an hour every noon just to maintain my mood. But now, I probably just need a good chunk of dead animal, which is much more fun, and much more temporary. I suppose it gives me enough hope to resist the pull of despair.

It was actually rather scary last night when I thought it might be depression coming back. I felt a horrible wave of dread. Really, how cruel, just when things are looking good in life. And how strange too, since psychologists insist that depression is mostly caused by flawed thinking patterns. I think that’s bullshit, partly because a lot of what they call “flawed thinking” I call “realistic consideration”. But also because my thinking hasn’t changed, yet suddenly I’m feeling the edge of darkness trying to creep over me. It has to be chemical. Although I will have to admit, a character I created for drama class is based on my experiences with depression, so perhaps I have opened up a few dangerous pathways in my brain again. Still, I’ve been approaching it from a more objective viewpoint, because it’s not me anymore. The only way I can see this harming me is if I give in to the feelings my brain chemicals are conjuring and let the same old ideas run wild.

Well, if it is iron, then it is chemical. I read on the net that low iron can cause depression. Plus I’m tired and all that. My defences are down. Yeah, I don’t think I’ll ever be rid of whatever it is that makes me feel crap, so it’s important for me to maintain healthy habits to make sure I’m strong enough to resist it. I do find that my mood drops late at night if I’m really tired.

Lol, I do have more to say, but I can’t stop yawning! It’s hard to concentrate. I’m making the problem worse too, by writing this while listening to music and a recording of my depression monologue at the same time.

In other news, I’ve not made any videos for YouTube the last few days. I just disappeared without warning lol. I know I have some people who seem to watch my videos religiously, despite the random and usually unplanned content. Last time I disappeared for a bit, I had one person say something along the lines of “finally, I’ve been waiting all day for you to put a video up!” I do wonder sometimes why anyone should think my videos were that interesting.

Actually, now that I think of it, part of how I’m feeling now… the frustration part – came from YouTube. Every now and then I stand back and look at my videos and just can’t remember why I do it. Oh and at the Good Friday gathering with my family yesterday, I saw my reflection and found it rather surprising. It was like looking at some of my videos – it’s hard to believe it’s me.

And if I let my consciousness wander some more, I remember that there is no objective “me”. Lol. My mind is a maddening place sometimes, I never seem to stop thinking, but my thoughts are only semi-consistent.

Bah, whatever, there’s tea and hot cross buns on offer.

August last year, I didn't think I'd ever be this happy with my life. In fact, I don't think I ever thought things would be this good. I think I must have changed. My attitudes are just so different.

For much of my life, I was relatively grumpy. Then in 2003 I got depressed, which made me pessimistic about my future even when I did start to feel better again. But now, in the last two months, my thoughts have completely turned around.

I'm not entirely sure what's caused the change. It's probably a bunch of things combined. YouTube helped me express myself more, music school has turned out to be better than I expected, and perhaps even my experience with anti-depressants and more therapy has helped. That last one I added in because although they didn't help me much at the time, they did show me that I couldn't rely on such treatments - I have to rely on myself instead.

Something else has happened. I feel like the mask I've been wearing is cracking apart. Whilst I still have to act in a relatively acceptable manner in society, I'm starting to feel less restricted. More alive too. I don't know how to explain it.

In the past I've had a very Jekyll and Hyde sort of existence. I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself to behave the way I thought I was supposed to, to stay out of trouble, all that. Catholic schooling and so on. Plus I was shy. The playful little kid that I was just got buried under so much crap, especially once I got to secondary school. And all the while that I was acting the good student, I had such a different internal world. It found its way into fiction and RPGing, and became rather violent and destructive.

Hahaha, it's no wonder I've always been so obsessed with duality. Characters with inner conflicts have always been like looking in a mirror. I'm surprised I didn't learn about Jekyll and Hyde before last year. Well before then, there were the more split-type personalities like Angel, but also those who were just conflicted. Tom Cruise's character in Minority Report who was accused of a future murder he didn't think he'd ever commit. Jack Bauer who was frequently undercover, or juggling his love for his family with his duties towards his country. Ken from the second season of Digimon, who felt so much guilt after he was released from the role of the Digimon Emperor. Hell, even Animorphs, with people enslaved by Yeerks who controlled their every action.

Lol, well that was a bit of a ramble. You get the point anyway. I could keep listing them for ages. Where was I...?

Oh right, so I was very different inside to the way I acted outside. Although I'm not sure if "acting" is the way to say it. Because I DID care what people thought of me, and I DID want to do my best, and I still do have a lot of Catholic values. I just had a whole bunch of other ideas in my head, and things I wanted to do but never had the guts.

By the time I left school, I'd started writing poetry and stuff. In a lot of them, I suppose I was fighting with myself. Hmmm... Well that continued. Yeah, I argued with myself. Especially once I was free of the school environment and had more chance to be myself. I guess I was trying to decide what sort of person to be, but still trapped inside. I made a really good go of it at art school - I tried to make people call me "Gray" lol. That was a fun little experiment. Got bored though.

Well when I quit COFA and got depressed again, I must've been going insane lol. I got myself a book for arguing with myself. By then I'd read Jekyll and Hyde lol, and I felt pretty stupid acting like two people to myself, but I reckon it helped me more than therapy ever did. On top of writing to myself though, I'd really start to feel like someone else, and wander around my room like it was the first time I'd seen it. It was really cool, if you ignore the creepy weirdness of it.

Then I got a webcam and started blogging on YouTube. I think my real motivation was to get to know myself better, although I may have pretended it was just to complain or whatever. Anyway, it took me a while, but eventually I got myself into that strange mood and caught myself on camera. I uploaded the video. I later tried to explain it away as art or something, but I think that relaxed me enough to just gradually let go and get out of my little cage.

So over the last month or so, I've been feeling like this other person more often, and it's a great feeling. But I also go back to just feeling regular. I think that's what got me interested in Jekyll and Hyde again, a year after reading it and watching BBC's Jekyll series. I discovered the musical, and a few more modern adaptations of it. But the musical has been the most fun. The songs are fantastic, and it combines my favourite theme with my current study. I suppose it's made music that much more interesting to me.

All this stuff has made me feel more and more alive. I'm leaving crap like depression well behind me. And right now... well I suppose I've got what Jekyll and Hyde would be if there was a happier ending. I still go between feeling regular (Jekyll) and feeling crazy awesome (Hyde), but it's like I'm getting along with myself better. I'm also not stuck behind so much autopilot when I'm around people. And I've sort of found a balance. I have my strong Catholic-ish values, but also my misanthropy. I have a reasonable amount of self-control still, but I can also loosen up enough to do things that I want to do. I'm still quiet, but I also have so much more confidence.

It's really kinda hard to explain. It's such a subjective experience. I just feel good. I feel alive. I feel like I'm getting somewhere, I'm less concerned with the future... I'm a totally different person to who I used to be, but I'm also more me than I've ever been. Blargh, I know what I mean in my head but it's hard to explain in words.

And you know, music is kinda perfect for me. It's creative, but it also has a more mathematical element to it - patterns in music, divisions of notes, sound wave science... It appeals to both the artist and the academic in me. It's a challenge, it's problem solving, and it produces something I can enjoy. Dry theory turns into emotion. It's building skills. It involves physical training as well as computer work... And there's less bullshit irrelevant research than other courses I've tried. I can read and use things without writing endless references. And music allows me to express myself better than other art forms. It's performance, which is more "out there", but it's my stuff, not something I've auditioned for and had someone direct me... I dunno, I'm rambling now, but it just appeals to all the different parts of my personality.

Fun fun fun.

--- Initial Thoughts ---

DragonLord6444:

“Umm, I've noticed in your vampire interview videos that you are very confused and don’t really understand why we need more energy. I have an answer to that question so if you would like to interview me, let me know.”

My clarification:

“Well it's hard to actually understand since I don't believe anything supernatural is really happening, but from what I've read I have an idea of what it's supposed to be about. As I understand it, the why is that vampires can't produce their own life energy quite as well as other people, so they have to take it either through blood or psychically to stay healthy.

“I've said in some places that vampires need a different form of energy. By that I mean most people get their energy from eating and breathing and all that. But that's regular energy your body needs to survive. It sounds to me like vampires are feeding on “life force” energy, which everyone is supposed to have just naturally, but vampires can't produce enough on their own. I don't consider life force to be the same as regular physical energy, rather it's something spiritual. There is no evidence to suggest physical energy is transferable the way vampires are said to feed, so to me the only way to justify it all with the real world is to call it a spiritual energy. I hope that clears things up.”

Note: I do not believe in life force energy, in case people are wondering.

DragonLord6444:

“I agree with you on your points there, but to clear things up a little... It is the belief of most vampires that we have more than one body; the physical body, and the subtle bodies. The subtle bodies are basically your aura. Like you said we need to breathe and eat to keep our physical bodies healthy but we need the life force energy to keep our subtle body healthy.

“Anyway, the reason that vampires need to get more energy is because of a deficit caused by one or more damaged chakras, one of them usually being below the navel, which is also why a lot of us have digestion problems. The chakras are what help you generate and hold in the life force energy. When one of these is damaged, there will be some problems. I read somewhere that these chakras were damaged long before we were born.”

DragonLord6444 mentioned the story of Lilith as a possible mother of vampires. Lilith was supposedly the first wife of Adam. There are many stories, but in this context, Lilith’s children are all being punished for her mistakes, hence the damage before birth. DragonLord6444 expresses doubt about this. Thankfully lol.

Now I don’t believe in “subtle bodies” and chakra either. But if you do, I suppose the explanation makes sense. It seems that psychic vampires are spiritual cripples. I don’t really like that idea, at least not when associated with the word “vampire”. It really is a disappointment when you pop them up next to fictional vampires.

--- The Interview ---

DragonLord6444’s Awakening

A gradual awakening over the last 5 months, DragonLord6444 started with the whole thing as just a joke. They were calling someone a werewolf because they were like some Twilight character, and then DragonLord6444 himself was described as a vampire. It wasn’t meant to be serious, but he started researching for fun, and stumbled on the psychic vampire info. He looked through the symptoms and found them to fit. He then read about “constructs”, psychic objects such as energy balls and shields. He tried to make one and was successful. After more of the same thing, he decided that he was a psychic vampire.

I have to be super sceptical when we bring in things like Twilight. Of course, that was only the trigger, but some people are overly influenced by fiction like that. Like idiotic “slayers” who watched way too much Buffy and can’t understand that EVERYONE dies from a stake to the heart. As for constructs, my opinion is that they’re all in the mind, like most energy workings and wiccan spells. Interesting as a meditation technique, but I don’t believe they’re anything more than that.

Psychic vs Sanguinarian

DragonLord6444 is a psychic vampire because he’s never felt the need for blood since he gets enough from his psi-vamping. He thinks blood is cool from a scientific perspective, but also “kinda gross”.

Feeding

DragonLord6444 uses the tendril technique. He describes it as breathing deeply whilst concentrating on a target, although it’s now second nature so he doesn’t think about it much anymore.

Can I double point out the breathing deeply and concentrating bit? Does that sound like meditation to anyone else? I’m increasingly convinced that this is what psychic vampires are really doing. Meditation can help you to feel better, science confirms that. The fact that not everyone gets tired after a psychic vampire attacks them suggests to me, not that those people are energetic, but rather that the vampire’s experience is purely internal.

Vampire Powers

DragonLord6444 believes that vampires do have heightened senses, but only when their life energy is replenished. He’s not sure about whether vampires are nocturnal though, he has a lot of time-consuming hobbies, so he says he needs a lot of sleep. He does like it dark though.

As I’ve mentioned in many other places, I don’t believe the heightened senses thing. I think any of that is just natural human variation, since not all vampires report experiencing anything better. Plus it’s also about letting your eyes adjust and paying attention. Most vampires only ever report a minor change in their senses anyway, and “minor” usually means wishful thinking.

Well that’s it. It’s hard for me to say much in favour of psychic vampirism at the moment, it’s a belief that I’m increasingly becoming frustrated with. However, I do think the meditation similarities save it from being a complete waste of time. I’ve had some former psychic vampires tell me of the mental strength they had from holding such beliefs and mental discipline. In one such story, the vampire was able to walk on painful rocks whilst others struggled to keep up. The vampire believed the rocks would not hurt, and so they didn’t. But now that the person no longer believes in vampirism, they don’t think they can do that sort of thing anymore. I can’t remember who told me this story... Sorry!

Anyway, regardless of your own beliefs, hopefully some of this stuff is interesting. Just a note to “slayers” though: GET A LIFE! Vampires are just people with different beliefs. You might as well kill a Christian for being a cannibal when eating the Eucharist. As for haters out there, nothing is achieved by bashing people for their beliefs. Unlike organised religions, vampires are not currently trying to impose anything on you, so just leave them alone.

Thanks for watching.